hello_world

It encourages and fascinates me to see small (relatively at least) corners of the web like this surviving, and still keeping the familiar atmosphere of the "old web". If this kind of niche thing can survive... maybe I can too.

It's been a while since I made my account here. I was intending to post, but I got cold feet halfway through. Then I kind of forgot about the place when university got in the way. Until I found it again in a dusty corner of my bookmarks folder, at least.

I have social anxiety. Should be pretty apparent, I mean, who gets cold feet when trying to join an online community? Who else would be so afraid of talking, conversing and potentially receiving judgement on an opinion? Especially when using a new email address I've never used before. And a name I've never used before. And taking precautions to give no information that could be traced back to me. Honestly I'm still feeling anxious. Anxious of what? Afraid of what? Well, that is what I want to talk about. I have some ideas I think would benefit me more out of my chest.

It's a funny thing, social anxiety. You can do things others would consider difficult very easily, classes feel like a joke, and then you get stumped trying to figure out the meaning behind the cashier's "thank you". Any amount of rational thought would tell you there's nothing there, but your mind just doesn't listen. It shouldn't even matter if there *was* some meaning there but your mind just doesn't listen. "What if I did something embarrassing?" it asks. That hurts, but it shouldn't. And your mind. just. doesn't. listen.

What is it caused by? That would be the most obvious question. I've thought about it many times before, but there's not a single reason behind anything, much less this. Perhaps childhood trauma, maybe that one memory I have of being ridiculed for refusing to "come out to play". That one just keeps resurfacing lately. I've been noticing that the choking feeling I get when stressed out in a social situation is very similar to what I felt back then. I felt afraid. Afraid that my "friends" didn't understand. That they won't believe me. That they won't acknowledge me.

Maybe it would've been fine if that was it, but things just kept getting worse. I felt afraid back then, but it wasn't just then. This fear of not being acknowledged has caused me to constantly want validation from the people around me. To live in fear of what passes in others' souls. Thus, I have never really enjoyed social interactions much, if at all. I don't really speak much, because it puts me in positions I may be uncomfortable in. Others sometimes interpret this to mean that I'm "mature", and it really does look that way from the outside. Except, the reason I tend to keep myself from saying things is that I started growing a habit of not saying things unless I *know* it can't fire back - never using phrases or expressions until I've seen multiple people use it consistently etc... I.e. because of my childish fear. They don't know that I'm as immature as anyone gets, and yet the consequences of this fear/anxiety paint an image of maturity, further worsening the situation as the gap between people's perceptions and my perception grows.

I would love to keep this rant/poor attempt at self-analysis going, but I don't have much time left. I hope you'll tolerate my ramblings again some other time.

Oh I forgot the introduction. Well, I guess I'm just another no-name typing away at midnight, when he should really be asleep. That should be enough for now.

alex

Welcome, ~no-name! ~bartender, the usual for me, thank you.

A new place always is anxiety-inducing and, like some of us, I am no exception. In my case, however, it highly depends on the location and the people I'm surrounded by – I cannot for the life of it enter a school building without getting uncomfortable. (As you might be able to tell, my school years weren't all sunshine and rainbows.) While I did grow out of some of my social anxiety by taking rather drastic measures, some anxiety remained and the fact that I'm as cautious with my choice of words as possible is a permanent result of what I used to experience years ago.

But this kind of stuff is not relevant on Midnight. Everyone's free to engage with it at their own pace and however they want to (as long as you don't make our calm bartender mad, of course) – and everyone started off as a lurker, right? Take it easy and enjoy the atmosphere.

Hello ~no-name,

have a hot chocolate, or whatever comforts you. ~bartender? Its on me tonight.

This place is nice in my opinion, and one of the nice aspects is, that everyone can take their time. If I feel like adding a reply in three weeks from now, I'll go ahead then. Nothing will be lost. Cheers, and welcome!

m15o

I appreciate your post a lot. It takes courage to talk about what makes us weak. It also gives courage to others who can identify. I feel similar in many ways. I hope you enjoy being around here!

cardboard

a no-name at midnight, with cold internet feet, but writing something that resonates with me (& many others loitering round here i'd imagine). i didn't manage to let my midnight.pub bookmark grow cobwebs per se, but i have yet to make my own post. sometimes i begin to write something, then i think "ah, who cares? i'm not contributing to anything and i'm also wasting someone's time if they read this." perhaps your post will inspire me to get warm internet feet and overcomb my anxiety or whatever roadblock i've invented. it's almost midnight here too now, so i should go too. see ya around. *sips remainder of milkshake*

no-name

Ah, that part about not contributing anything is very familiar to me as well. That's what made me drop off most social media, and what made me lurk around many communities but interact with precisely 0 of them.

I'm not even sure what made me write this post. I know I wanted to for a while, but what made me get up and type it I don't know. Maybe a need to express parts of myself I couldn't IRL.

I've come to really like this place for that aspect in particular. Just people exchanging thoughts without too much worry - that's the kind of chill I can get behind.

May your internet feet forever be warm, ~cardboard, and see you around.