Hello ~kai,
Its nice to seem some other young folks round here. I am also a teenager (16) and I totally get the feeling
of living through a faceless world with faceless people. Everything seems so dead and monotonous nowadays.
Hello everybody, I hope you are having a wonderful day.
Over my time here i have gauged that im a lot younger than most of the users here. Im a teenager, I still go to school. I've had a privileged childhood. My parents are goverment workers overseas and I have spent a big portion of my childhood moving about, it's a double edged sword. I've never really had constant friends or people outside of the family I can trust, on the other hand I have gone to a variety of international schools and a privileged backround.
Onto why I am making this post, I know i sound stupid but I feel like a hollow from dark souls. I feel so out of touch and empty and alone, just shambling through the days. I have also strugled with my sexuality and just being kinda fluid in that aspect. I have never really been allowed to dick around. It's always been super straightfoward. I have always had to be a certain way. I don't know, but I have ended up feeling like nobody. Just another one. My family is also close to moving back home and that has been stressful asf. I just feel like i am walking through a faceless world with faceless people. An endless ocean of monotony.
Hello ~kai,
Its nice to seem some other young folks round here. I am also a teenager (16) and I totally get the feeling
of living through a faceless world with faceless people. Everything seems so dead and monotonous nowadays.
Yeah, I think I get that, I think I understand what you're talking about. But one thing is — it /is/ possible to build an identity of your own. And you're going to /grow/ and /change/ in directions you never even thought you could. Gods know I've changed more times than I can count.
And it feels like everyone's hiding deep inside hard adaptive shells. Because I /know,/ I've /seen/ that people are deep and kind and beautiful, but you can't even touch that, they just retreat into narrow socially-acceptable paths — I've been thinking of finding more free and genuine places, but I have no idea where! And I can't even fault them, because I'm the same way, just gradually clawing my way out of the pit of the endless game of fitting in.
The glimpses I've caught of connection, though, have been wonderful — and if I know anything about the world it's that it /will be/ possible for you to find them, it really will be.
Howdy ~kai,
I cannot add anything useful for your situation, I'm afraid.
But I would like to point out, that this thread has been one of the most surprising for me. There is ~kai with a peculiar situation in their life, and out of the blue there are several, who know the pain and are in the mood to answer. Fantastic! Thank you all!
Moving is stressful and sucks when you're moving down the street, much less to another country. There's no sugarcoating that. And having a privileged background doesn't help either. The only silver lining is that you've made friends before, so you'll do it again. (And I say that as someone who was a criminally awkward teenager.)
This may be a controversial take, but imo, nobody is anybody when they're around their family. If you've had that sort of steady family life, your relationship with your family is so calcified with the years of living with them and the lifetime of awkward family moments that you'll basically never feel that euphoria of friendship that you can get just hanging out casually with some friends. (I guess all I'm trying to say is that you can't really dick around with family the way you can with friends. So if your time is mainly spent with family, it's not super surprising if you feel like a cardboard cutout sometimes.)
I may not be able to provide some of the wisdom of others here in the pub (I'm only 25, young-ish pub patrons represent!), but I can say for sure that those faceless people will surprise you. Maybe not all of them, but in my experience, at least a solid 30% are great, interesting people. (Probably much more.) Everyone has an inner world and people only remain faceless so long as you're unable to see and feel that inner world. And sure, some may be simpler than others, but you'll always find that they're more than they appear. And that includes you, even if you feel generic and hollow right now.
You'll move, settle in, and find more friends whose personal brand of weird matches your personal brand of weird. Who knows, maybe you'll even be forced to explore your fluid sexuality a bit more? (It really can be a doozy to figure out.) And if nothing else, you'll probably be off to college before too long, where you and everyone else will be thrown into the same boat all over again.
As for how to start relating to people in the new place: I don't know. It _is_ scary and difficult. And it'll take time. And in my experience, it can be kinda soul crushing to have that time before you manage it. But you'll manage it. If this was an actual pub, I'd buy you a drink, seems like you need one.
The tough part is really finding people that fit me is really difficult. It's taken me so long here to find good people that understand me. What i mean by not being able to dick around is my parents are incredibly hypervigilant and straightfoward. It's always been a certain way. For a long while I barely had social skills to stand up for myself and relate to others, it still bugs me to this day. For a kid that's been so many places I have never really seen the world in a sense.
My family are like any other, we are a blended family but that's never really changed the fact that we are family. We have great days and bad days days where we laugh and days where we cry. Right now in my life though, they are almost like an iron lung. The support me and take care of me, but they do have issues with boundries and do strangle me sometimes. I don't think that feeling empty is all their fault, i just think they don't realise that they make me feel that way sometimes.
Finding friends who understand you in a new place is definitely gonna suck for a while. Though, I will note, you phrased the lack of social skills in the past tense. You've almost certainly grown as a person (and gotten more experience making friends) since the last time you had to go through this. I think that difference is probably bigger than you yet realize. I don't know if you meant cringe when you said that your past lack of social skills bugs you to this day, but if so, that's pretty common. Just means that you've become better.
Iron lung seems like a particularly apt metaphor. Necessary, but limiting. I don't think the emotional struggles are all their fault, but I will say: parents giving the rest of the family issues is a tale as old as time. IMO, a big part of it is that your family sees you as more or less one continuous person since you were young. And quite frankly, I don't think people fundamentally are the same person in a lot of ways (just going by my own experience, by the time I was in high school, I had basically no memory of life in elementary school). But the relationship you have with your family is difficult to shift, so them being closer than you would like nowadays (or even blatant boundary issues) is almost expected.
If you want to change it, the "how" there is a judgement only you can make. If you think you can just explain how you feel clearly to your family and they'll understand it, then I think that would probably be the healthiest route to go down. There's also the classic rebellious teenager trope; I guess that's an option. (I went with the "turn into an isolated online weirdo and hide the computer usage from your family" route, and just got lucky that I went the way of tumblr, media piracy, and weird fanfiction rather than the really messed up corners of the internet.)
As for "For a kid that's been so many places I have never really seen the world in a sense." I feel like that could be a whole post on its own. I think you're absolutely right in that going to a bunch of places, trying the food, etc is cool, but it will often feel superficial. If you want to feel like you're getting wiser to the world, I think the best way to do that is to seek out people or stories different from your own perspective in fundamental ways. If we're talking stories it's going to most often be the stories that make you feel sad or weird or just something that you can't really explain. If you're talking people, it's going to be those who you don't expect to be friends with. Some of the most interesting conversations I've had have been with people at bus stops (be they friendly drug dealers or sweet old ladies who encourage my husband and I to commit acts of public indecency and then confess to being an accessory to multiple murders). But also some people who were in similar social circumstances, who I just overlooked because I thought they were shallow or that we were too different to have even a conversation.
I empathize with your story, ~kai.
I'm 40 now, but when I was growing up, I moved almost every two years to somewhere new because my father was in the military. I could never put down roots anywhere, and I learned early on that making friends was pointless because I would inevitably have to say goodbye forever in a very short time.
The only constants for me were my immediate family and my schooling. I ended up focusing most of my energy on school and excelled at all of my classes. However, I didn't really have much of a life outside of school. I just read and spent time alone. In the end, I graduated from high school with honors, but I felt empty inside. I had mastered the game of school, but I came to realize that those accomplishments were only meaningful to me and my ego. If I didn't use my life to make some kind of difference in the world, then I wasn't doing much except consuming resources and taking up space.
This existential crisis led me into a long depression that lasted for about 18 months. In that time, I read philosophy, learned about alternative religious/spiritual paths, and spent a lot of time sitting outside in nature, contemplating birds, trees, clouds, and stars. I finally dragged my butt to go speak with a therapist on campus at my university, and she gave me a book on cognitive behavioral therapy. That really helped to jump start a new way of thinking for me, and by the end of my freshman year, I had made the decision to transfer schools to the opposite side of the country and start fresh with a new perspective on what I would need to study in order to be able to make a difference in the world after all.
Many years later, I graduated with multiple college degrees, including a Ph.D. I had made a great many friends and shared meaningful experiences with them. I had participated in activism around the issues that concerned me. I was able to explore my sexuality and come out to my family and friends. And I eventually built an off-grid homestead in the mountains with my partner, where I live and work today. I really did find a place where I felt like I belonged and could put down roots.
Your story will be different than mine as everyone's life is different in so many ways. But what I would want to share with a younger version of myself when I was feeling depressed and adrift in my teens is this: Life has meaning when you give it meaning.
s:
Life has meaning when you give it meaning.
You can't control everything and everyone around you, but throughout your life you will be presented with options and choices. What you choose at these decision points will shape who you become and how your life plays out. Recognize that however much you've learned about the world, the amount that there is to learn and experience is truly vast by comparison. Let that bring you some humility in the present moment and also inspire you to seek and discover more each season. You have the power to chart your own course though sometimes the weather will push you off it. Just keep learning, growing, and steering your way forward toward your goals. That is how you give meaning to your life.
All the best on your journey.
Thank you
That's profound. I've had trouble giving myself purpose because my relationship with religion is interesting...What I mean is I look at religion as something that divides society rather than unites it. I'm not going to deny that relgion has progressed the world in so many way. It's also made people kill and hurt and been used as a tool for discrimination. All in the name of religion. It seems to me like it tries to give straightfoward answers to a nonsense world, like a guide to a mismatched puzzle. It just doesn't work for me. That's just me though. What I have been trying to do to give myself purpose is love and help the next man. Isn't that sorta like religion
You're certainly not wrong about the many ways that religion negatively influences the world. I turned away from religion and became an atheist at age 10. I have always believed this to be the correct position, but I will acknowledge that it can be a lonely path, especially if you live in a particularly religious area or if your family is religious (mine was). However, it is also very freeing in that (as I mentioned in my last post), you are put in the position of needing to decide how to give your life meaning. You might find some value in exploring non-theistic communities, such as The Satanic Temple, which provide opportunities for engaging with like-minded individuals, participating in community activism, and sharing a well-codified moral framework.
https://thesatanictemple.com/pages/about-usWhatever you end up doing, just remember to be kind to yourself and to others as best as you can and try to turn your energy toward making a more compassionate, just, and reasonable world.
Don't worry too much about being too young...
...or you'll soon become too old
That said, it's natural to feel uprooted. Specially at your age and circumstances. I only remember change, change and more change since the 70's. And the trend is only accelerating.
I love how in Firefly the crew belonged to the ship. /Yes, Firefly! the best space-western series ever and ever/
This is your time to explore (and meditate) and grow, from today to the day you return your soul. Just remember you have invisible friends around here.
I was the one left behind. I went to an international school where people who moved around every 3-5 years put their kids, and I always gravitated to them, because they were always the most interesting. They were always the nicer ones, too.
Seeing them leave one by one broke my heart. I decided to no longer have friend in my teenage years.
Anyways, the point is: there was something to be broken for me. There might be anchors you aren't seeing. Maybe you can regain contact with some older friends? Maybe you can try to put your trust in a friend you had in one of those schools?
The other point is: I've regretted cutting friendship from my life in my teenage years. The phasing out of that was super awkward, and sometimes a bit humiliating to be honest, but that's where I met some of my best friends. On the other hand, I don't regret any of the stupid stuff that came out of my mouth as I was clumsily stumbling out of my shell, even when I unintentionally hurt people or made a fool of myself, because it was what I had to do to connect with people. I fact, I'm proud for that boy.
Interesting. I am a lot older than you (late 40s) but my best friend has a similar background to you.
He struggles to have an identity because moving around forced him to fit in to whatever surroundings he found himself in. He became a chameleon.
Only now is he starting to find his true identity... to like what he likes, to not like what he doesn't like, to want and not want things, to have opinions about stuff that might be unpopular, to set boundaries and educate others how to treat him.
I don't know if this matches your experience at all (of course, if you're not changing to fit in, you might feel like you don't fit at all... your "faceless world with faceless people" sounds a bit like that might be the case?)
But it's worth building an identity. One way I heard it put is: Better to be hated for who you are than loved for who you are not.
I may have missed the point totally, and in your situation right now some of this stuff might be impossible... but I thought I'd just share his story. (I, too, had no identity but that's because of emotional abuse from my mom who didn't allow me to build an authentic 'Self').
I hear you on struggling with sexuality too. I have come out three times in my life... the last time was literally a month ago. Each time I crept back into the shadows because being straight was more socially acceptable. (But my soul died slowly).
Whatever happens, good luck... this stage WILL pass, and whoever you are right now, and whatever you want or don't want, you are OKAY to be that person, you are OKAY to want/not want whatever you want/don't want.
Thank you! I'm gonna sound conceited, but by faceless world with faceless people, I mean that I feel that the people outside my circle of friends are very narrow in the way they view the world. I'm not saying i'm superior, I just mean it seems like they are tryna fit into an archetype. They never seem to think about anything deeper than surface level and it's quite difficult to relate to them.
Ah yes. I get you. They are living in the Matrix and don't even know another world exists out here. Jen Sincero calls them the "Beige Army". You are not imagining it, and you are not conceited. Thankfully there are more and more of us escaping the Matrix every day.
I cannot tell if this is satire or not, if not. Elaborate please
Absolutely not satire.
The "Matrix" is the world of social conditioning. There's a whole layer of life on top of "real life" that people follow... why do we work 9-5? why do weekends exist? why do we wear clothes? why do we wear the clothes we wear? why does money exist?
I often quote the "bear test". If a bear wouldn't care about an issue, then it probably has its roots in the "Matrix". It was a strange part of the national border between Estonia and Russia that made me realise this... people could drive through a section of Russia to get from one part of Estonia to another, but they weren't allowed to stop their car or get out. (Check the "Saatse Boot" for more info). I realised that this is all 'fake' and that bears wander happily across the border without caring (and without the people involved caring either).
Bears don't care about tax. They don't care about money. They don't care about taking a bottle of wine to a party. There are so many things that don't pass the bear test.
We don't have to throw everything out that doesn't pass the 'bear test', but we should know that they are not entirely 'real' and that can help us to relate to them in a more healthy way.
I hope that makes some kind of sense?
That's an interesting perspective. I would look at that more as a way to keep society in order, but I 100% see where you are coming from.
It is, indeed, a way to keep society in order. You then look at the emergent nature of authority... And the motivations of those in authority... It's a truly fascinating subject.
We accept authority as a "given", and many people don't question it at all, but when we realise it's actually a "convenient fiction" we can begin to ask all sorts of questions.
Really not trying to go down the "alien shapeshifters" route here... I'm pretty sure there isn't an evil cabal looking to turn the world to satan, but there are definitely questions to be asked about authority (in all senses).