change

~no-name

Hello. I'm back.

For a long time, I've had some unfortunate opinions of myself. I thought of myself as weak, incapable, undisciplined, whatever else. These opinions were based on my observations of myself, my actions, my failures, my successes. Of course, I failed more times than I succeeded, so it only made sense to have a negative opinion about myself, right? It only makes sense to punish myself so I do better next time, right? This *will* get people to accept me, right?..

...

Recently, a lot of things have changed in my life. I'm no longer in high school for one. Now I get to be a big boi, taking my first steps into adulthood, going to college and all that. (how do you do, fellow adults?) I happen to be successful academically, so I had a lot of choices when it came to choosing a university and a city to study in. I wasn't really happy with my life though, I didn't have many friends. I didn't like the people around me, nor the places in my hometown. Not that I hated it either, but I knew if I wanted real change... if I wanted a better life I would need a change of scenery, I would need some time away from my family.

It becomes hard to achieve change when doing the same things day after day has become habit. When you're used to never sitting at a cafe, when you're used to being ridiculed for acting differently (courtesy of the public schooling system, I'm sure you can understand), and when not saying anything is your main defense mechanism for handling difficult conversations, it seems hard to even talk to the cashier. I didn't like that of course. I wanted more from life, I wanted change.

I *needed* change, and choosing a far away city was a convenient way of pushing myself towards that.

So, anyway. It's been roughly 3 months since I left the nest. God, it feels like it's been forever. Not that it was particularly difficult. First year subjects are so simple I feel... bored, of all things. Compared to how stressed out I was in high school when balancing my hobbies and studies, this is nothing. Of course, that's only a good thing.

After all, my mental struggles with myself are far harder than anything I've ever done in my life.

It's quite comedic, in a sense. Calculus is no biggie, but simply getting myself to accept that my worth *doesn't* depend on what people think of me? Now *that* takes me weeks to wrap my head around. And I'm still not sure I get it.

I've finally gotten the freedom I wished for. The fresh start. And as a result, these few months had a very dramatic effect on me. I've changed. I'm changing. In a good way, I hope. At least I can talk to a Fabled Keeper of The Register (aka cashier). I can hold a conversation. (sometimes...)

Look, I'm not going to pretend that I suddenly became a very sociable person and my life became perfect. But I think I'm starting to understand that maybe not everything's my fault. I'm starting to get that I can accept myself for what I am, regardless of whatever that may be. I'm starting to get that maybe I just don't need to be good at holding a conversation with everyone.

And somehow, with every weird belief about myself and the world of the above form that I explore, I find a painful memory attached with it. Sometimes it's the other kids in class refusing to believe me, or that time I almost got framed for flooding the toilets, or whatever else. Something that was insignificant in hindsight, but felt really painful in the moment. It baffles me every time I unlock another one of these memories, just how much effect it had in shaping my view of myself and the world. A tiny event, a single punch, or a mean word, has led me to close myself off to others. So many of these instances having a compounding effect over time, leading to a deep-rooted defense mechanism, an almost suffocating loneliness.

Though to be fair, that defense mechanism did its job fairly well. It kept me focused, it gave me the excuses I needed. It helped me fit into an environment I really should never have been in in the first place, and for that I think I need to acknowledge it.

It's about time for me to acknowledge that despite all my flaws, despite all that I've done wrong, I was trying my best. Maybe, with that, I can let it go, and live my life in earnest.

TL;DR: Me sad now, me hope me better later.

I'm still not sure why I still want to keep posting here. In theory a diary should achieve the same thing, but I guess it just doesn't. Well, hope you don't mind reading a very long and extremely personal post from a no-name on the internet.