Midnight Pub
Somebody To Love
~theoddballphilosopher
All my life, I have been a hopeless romantic. Love is probably one of my strongest of emotions, and for a long time, I've been seeking the love of my life.
My first crush was when I was only 9 years old. Her name was Rachel. I asked her to marry me when I was only 10, and she was speechless. Little did I know that the entire family was watching from the driveway, leaving me completely embarrassed.
As I entered my high school years, I had high hopes that my high school experience would be in just like those John Hughes movies from the 1980's that I'd always watch with my parents. Unfortunately, this isn't the case. I was severely bullied for my Autism by my peers, as they often used it as a scapegoat to blame me for instigating their abuse, and shame me into not defending myself. One example was when I was attending a dance, and I kissed a girl on the hand as a gesture of thanks. They pulled me back and punished me harshly by saying what I did was socially inappropriate. That, among other things wherein they'd gaslight me to make me think my Autism was making me go insane.
It took years to recover. Needless to say I was very emotional wreck, and I felt robbed of my high school dream, as well as the magic.
But it wasn't all lost, during my last two years of high school I was in rehab with the boys, and during that time we were invited to a mixer with a girls rehab high school, to play frisbee golf and get milkshakes. There, I met a girl named Gabby. She was shy and not confident, but I encouraged her by showing her how to play the game. When she spilled her milkshake, I cleaned it up for her. The staff were proud of me that day and said I crushed it. We became email penpals that day.
After graduation, I invited her to dinner. That night I gave her a gift she would love; a dvd of Cavalia. Seeing how she loved horses and never got the chance to see the show, I figured it would mean a lot to her. And it did. After asking her out on a date, she said she was already seeing someone back in California. But she still liked me, and I was grateful. It's been years since I last heard from her, and she hasn't been on Facebook since 2020. I can only hope she's ok.
Entering College, I would often attend every single prom night that I could and hopefully, with the help of a little movie magic, would get myself a girlfriend before I was out of my teens. But...left and right, I was constantly rejected. Oftentimes I would follow to introductions to the letter, because, having Autism, I am often self-conscious of saying the wrong thing. Perhaps I came off as a little scripted. Maybe asking the band to play "Earth Angel" during Jazz Night was little too idealistic.
Fast forward two years later, I enter a Trade School, which was originally meant strictly for Mormons, but recently opened up to people of other religions. There, I scored my very first girlfriend. Her name was Cassidy. She was shy, and often nervous. I would often remind myself to be gentle with her. Our favorite thing was dancing under the moonlight with Frank Sinatra playing from my phone. Things were good with her.
However, disaster followed when during sex education class, which was mixed gender, I asked a question allowed, "How would I ask for my girlfriend's consent"? Having lived my school days in seclusion and neglect, I was behind in the world of dating, and wanted to know before i made a mistake. Apparently, some of the mean girls didn't like what I said, and from this, created a rumor that I was a sex offender to have my girlfriend break up with me. Since that day, Cassidy wouldn't even look at me, nor speak, even when I asked her what was wrong. That one rumor all but destroyed my social life.
Moving to Arizona, I met my next girlfriend; Brianna Lancaster. She had a traumatic upbringing like I did, except hers was worse. Her drunk biological father abandoned her at birth, and her mother died in a car accident. After living in a number of foster homes, she's been struggling to keep up her college life and tending to her over reliant grandparents, who I'm under the impression were extorting her college money. Suffice it to say, she was suffering clinical depression. We first met online on November of 2019 and fell in love in January of 2020. Our plans to meet each other irl were interrupted by the Coronavirus Pandemic. But regardless of her shortcomings, and mine, I promised I would be there for her. She was grateful, happy, she even once said to me, "I'll never leave you, even when I die."
And it broke me beyond recognition when she did, by her own hand.
After turning myself into a mental hospital, I was released and moved back east with my old folks. Soon, I met my new love interest; Alissa. We roleplayed with each other in a video game setting, where our characters were each an extension of our own personality. As fate would have it, Alissa too suffered trauma. Although she would refuse to elaborate who is was, and what "he" did to her. Struggling with the loss of my ex, I had to constantly remind myself that I cannot force Alissa to accept my efforts to help her, especially since I need to tend to my own mental scars, or else I might as well drive her away. Our roleplay evolved into a story, one which provided catharsis for her, and for us. After three months of silence, she contacted me saying she joined Marine Bootcamp, and thanked me for inspiring her to keep going and follow her goals. It made me feel good knowing she said I made her feel special, as she made me feel special.
Still, being on Discord was taking a toll on my mental health, just as it has been during Covid. So I left her with my contact info and a choice, to continue pursuing the relationship, or her dreams. Since then, not a word. I can only hope she's doing well.
Now, 25 and unwild...I've lost count of how many love interests I've had over the years. But one thing's for certain. I'm exhausted, giving so much effort to end up losing more. All I want in this life; my most cherished wish, is a woman who I can hold close to me and share my life with.
To those of you reading this, I ask one thing, can anybody find me somebody to love?
lostinthewoods
I hope I can give you some hope from another guy who felt pretty down in his mid 20's too.
First, here's the deal: all those 50's songs and teenage love movies are fantasies. Love exists, it's powerful and worth pursuing, but using them as a template is like reading the Hobbit to learn to make money. Fantasy is vital to the human experience, I'm not knocking it, but we have to act in reality. My story is nothing like those songs or movies, but it's turned out to be a happy one. I obviously can't give you all the answers, but I can share the path I took:
At your age I hadn't had much more success in love than you. I didn't hit my stride romantically until a couple of years later. The rough advice to work on yourself first is good advice: try to tame your anxieties--we all have them, settle into your career, get into shape, find your style, and most importantly find passions. You don't do these things to find love, you do them for yourself. It seems a bit backwards, but when you are happier with yourself people are happier with you. That happiness can grow into other things. The good news is it's not as hard or as long a process as it sounds, you just need to start some inertia, and as long as you are moving in a positive direction you and those around you will view your positively.
Now that we have some positive energy around us the next step was just to meet people and get to know them. I stayed off dating apps--those just encourage the worst behavior in people. I just made it a point when I went somewhere to talk to a new person or two--this was where my anxiety lived. Hobby related courses, social events put together by friends, church, club meetings, where ever. I was already going to all these things as part of step one. If the conversation with a woman was lively and she was interesting I'd ask if she'd like to get coffee or something low key. Just to get to know each other, candidly talking about my dreams, desires, hobbies, beliefs. This is the most important part don't hide or try to present a puffed of version of yourself and just focus on getting to know the person across the table. You are trying to find someone you are compatible with.
This went on about two years. During this time I got told no a lot. I made new friends I still get along with today. I had follow up dates, then I got ghosted. The whole spectrum. When you communicate in this no expectations, honest, candid, and platonic kind of way your relationships form or die pretty naturally and relatively painlessly. I was looking to get to know people, not look for the "spark". During this whole period I never had a "real girlfriend" despite apparently--according to a friend--gaining the reputation of somewhat of a ladies man. I find this especially funny as I wasn't hooking up with any of these women or anything, just getting to know them. I was looking for someone who shared enough with me to become my wife.
When I met my wife she told me flat out she had no interest in dating me, but was happy to be friends. I told her that was fine, but I didn't take that changing someday off the table as we didn't really know each other well--open and candid. I just became her friend, no ulterior motives, no secret pining, no huge romantic gestures to "change her mind". We simply grew closer as friends, helped each other out, spent time with each other. In time, I thought we could work as a couple and told her, she didn't reciprocate. But, we could, and did, continue as friends. As time went on we spent more and more of it together, and I became the first person she thought of. Then we started "dating."
Now is where all the romantic gestures, letters, sparks, and so on begin. Not in the beginning but the end. Really, they keep going--that's important love is a verb not an adjective--you have to choose to keep being romantic and in love. Back to the story, we went fast from there: since we already knew each other so well from the friend phase we spent less time officially dating and then engaged then we did as friends. Less than a year after becoming a couple we were married. We've been married a decade now.
TL;DR
That was a lot, in short: become happy with yourself, and others will be happy with you; don't look for a storybook "spark", but candidly and platonically get to know people; let a romantic relationship grow from there; then let the romance flow.
theoddballphilosopher
Ironically enough, the reason why I want myself a wife is because I'm sick to death of putting up with people who...have betrayed my trust and abandoned me again and again...
I want to get to know people, but the last time I did, they hurt me in more ways than you can imagine, traumatized me...
So the reason I want a girlfriend is for practice, so someone out there can help me overcome this social anxiety of mine.
cardboard
i'm rooting for you. your resilience & awareness are inspirational, truly. i met my wife in my mid-20s, and my younger brother is now around your age (a bit older) and still looking. so is one of my best friends from high school (who is closer to 30). all this to say, it seems to me that people seem to generally be taking longer than in the past to do things like get married, have kids, settle down (assuming they want to). maybe it's because everything has gotten more expensive, or because people live longer, or because covid tossed a wrench in the social system for a while that i'm not sure we've fully recovered from, or even because the Internet has made everyone prone to holding out for "the right one" and ignoring those around them (since it's easy to find someone that ticks all the boxes in the vast expanse of online, but this isn't realistic, of course). so, in my own opinion, you have time! it'll be worth the wait :-)
theoddballphilosopher
You know, in a funny sense, I cant help but feel the same way, that it's taking longer today than in the past to get married, have kids, and settle down.
I believe it's because of adult negligence. Coming from experience, spending my middle and high school days in special education was often more than not seclusive, and barred me from experiencing the real world, as well as denied me the same liberties as my peers, mainly because of my Autism. Being pigeonholed is no fun, especially when you're surrounded by kids who are more disabled than you, and yet the teachers, who are specifically paid to teach you how to interact with others, just expect you to know how to do everything in spite of your attempts to ask them for help. It's maddening.
So, I guess you could say I am mentally underdeveloped thanks to special ed.
I think another reason why it's taking longer is because children and teens are becoming more unhinged and undisciplined, as you can probably imagine what my life in 10th grade was like; Vietnam. You could say it's just another case of bullying, but trust me, these levels of bullying are borderline murder.
So...I would imagine that many are not "peaking in high school" because of adult negligence.
To this I say, "We are Generation Zero. We are the children who grew up neglected by society. But we cannot give up on ourselves just because everyone else gave up on us. We must set an example for Generation Alpha if our species is to survive."
You know what I really wanted as a teenager? Magic. The feeling of being a "Teenager in Love" like those songs in the 50's from Dion, or those John Hughes movies like Sixteen Candles or The Breakfast Club.
But I can't help but feel like I wasn't allowed to experience this magic for myself, simply because everyone else wanted to control me because I have Autism.
contrarian
I'm older than you but way more inexperienced in that department.
mosmelev
That's such a harsh life. Thankfully, you managed to endure it. Hopefully, things go well for you.
It is a lot easier to maintain and build relations with other human beings when you feel happy and have energy to spare. You are 25, so you likely still have a lot of time left to find someone else. Take care of yourself and be socially active. That would be my advice.
While other people's social activities, local communities, and personalities that might affect their stories are different, I met my wife at the local library exchanging ideas and opinions on a specific topic we were both researching and had an interest in. At the time I was an active member of the library and have met with most of the regulars at the library.
theoddballphilosopher
Well, I probably should let you know that I have social anxiety. And with very good reason.
People often say to me I shouldn't care about what others think of me. And at first, I usually don't. But then others call me selfish for not thinking about them and their own interests because I have Autism, but in all honesty, I think that's bullshit. Who's really being selfish?
Furthermore, when someone creates a horrible rumor of me, like being a sex offender, I get scared, and I would imagine rightfully so. Besides, if I hadn't left campus willingly, I would've had charges pressed against me based on those rumors alone.
So how can I not be concerned about what people think of me, when people have gone out of their way to manipulate others to hurt me by lying about me?
Rather than simply ignoring the danger, I wish to draw my line in the sand, and stand up for myself. But I'm afraid if I do, they'll lie and say I was the one who started it, as my bullies have before.
My social anxiety is a reason why I don't get out often, or interact with other people often.
Although I am an introvert, I like to put on a facade, a persona, that I am an extrovert to try and make a good impression on people. But the truth is I am insecure, and I often do this to hide my self-confidence issues.
mosmelev
It's understandable. After all, different people have different ways of establishing contacts and meeting new people.
I don't know what advice to give to introverts about managing/creating social relationships and nurturing them according to their characteristics. I do not mean to be rude, just highlighting my ignorance so that you take what I say with a grain of salt.
However, If you think that your educational life negatively impacted your social life and your ability to form or join social spheres, I would say that you need to learn it by experience.
Which is to say, not that helpful advice to give since you've been trying that. But looking at the people around me and my friends, whether introverted or extroverted, they also mostly learn it by experience. And most of them succeed in the end, whether it be in the middle of their twenties or early thirties.
Taking care of yourself part still stands though.
theoddballphilosopher
In the end, I just want to know if my social anxiety is justified, to say to myself, "Sam, you're ok. You don't need to become a people person. You don't need to constantly put yourself out there just because others have pressured you; only when you're ready. You can take all the time in the world you need for yourself and the peace you deserve in solitude. And when someone hurts you, you have all the right in the world to either punch that person in the face or run back home. You suffered greatly."
You might not know this, but my bullies, whether it be peer or adult, shamed me into thinking that it's unlawful of someone with Autism like me to defend myself against those who wish to hurt me. At least, that's what I've been conditioned to believe by those who didn't have Autism. And of course, I listen to then because I've been taught to believe my Autism skewers my moral judgement, henceforth I should trust the judgement of others over my own. Furthermore, whenever I did try and defend myself, they'd gaslight me by saying I was the one who started it in somehow and some way I couldn't remember, or just lie about it.
It took years to figure out they were all wrong...and were just saying these things so they could manipulate me and hurt me more to make themselves feel better.
So, I guess you could say I'm afraid of being manipulated again.