loneliness in the presence of company

Edit :

im doing a bit better

i think just highs and lows really

ive also realized this isnt a place to vent more of a community of interests (not self pity-ing here lmao)

anyways ill post something of better note eventually!

this is a rather depressing rant so if you dont want that in your life simply dont read and have a nice day!

for a second post here i wish it could have been a bit more positive but oh well, i need a place to rant and feel as if i cant anywhere else so lets get into it from the start-

a couple weeks- more like a month or two ago i started to feel a disconnect from my friends...i dont know how to explain it but even when i was with the people i enjoy being with i felt empty, hollow in a way. this has only gotten worse over time and ive tried to fix it...but more on that later. this feeling is eating away at me, lonely nights have become far too common, being alone during days...weeks...it has all become the normal even if its not truly "normal". i would speak this to my friends but in the grand scheme of things i have 2 friends, one who works most the time and the other who sleeps most the time so they have their own lives to deal with, and the "friend group" im in now i dont feel- proper there, everything i say i feel is ignored- maybe i talk to much- or rant too much- or something but it hurts to feel ignored...i wish this feeling would go away

and ive tried to fix it, trust me- im diagnosed with major depressive disorder and am on meds but those were upped about a month ago because i felt they werent doing anything...maybe these feelings have been here for longer than i realize- but these meds arent doing a thing...i DOUBLED my dose from 10mg to 20mg and yet it doesnt help...if anything everything is simply worse...the voices which tell me worthlessness are getting harder to ignore and i dont know how much longer i can handle it...how much longer i can "push on through". these feelings get harder and harder to ignore

i dont know what to do...i feel alone, and making new friends is...hard- im only in high school but everyone already has their friend groups and they are comfortable in those groups...and the worst part is i mask it so well because thats all ive ever done is mask and bottle up how i feel until my walls shatter but this time...i think the walls are too strong, im not breaking and instead its eating away within instead of outside, and nobody knows any better

im just...tired...and i dont know how if this is the last chapter in my story or not...

should i try and talk to my friends...would it even help or make a difference...?

george

This isn't the last chapter.

I'm 49 but I'm slow to realise stuff... I have completely switched friends in the last two years.

And yes, it's really hard to make new friends. But over time I have found people who understand me. Or if they don't understand me, they accept me. But what they always do is uplift, celebrate and support me.

I've ditched so many friends who really didn't get me, who didn't _hear_ me. Friends who judged or mocked my individualism.

I now have three GOOD friends and have basically ditched all the rest. I haven't fallen out with them. If I see them I say "hi", I be civil and polite. Bit I don't for one minute think about opening up to them, being vulnerable. They don't know how to handle that vulnerability.

I really don't know who is around YOU, but please know it can get better. There ARE people who can understand you, accept you, uplift you, celebrate you, and support you.

I'm in a relationship where I am not heard and I have made the decision to split up. I would rather BE alone than FEEL alone in a relationship.

I get you. I totally hear where you are coming from. I know the inner critic tells you why an unworthy loser you are, but it's a LIAR. You are worthy (not that you will believe me... I know how strong that critic voice is).

Maybe look up Pete Walkers list of "14 Attacks of the Inner Critic". It was life changing when I read that list. I started to realise that all those those feelings were false. I made it my full time job for the last year or so to shrink that hateful voice within me... to no longer listen to it and believe it.

"Screw you" I say to my inner critic.

Good luck. You are loved. You are worthy. No matter how hard this is (and believe me, I know how hard it is) it is possible to come through it... A future of thriving is possible. (And no... there's nothing "wrong" with you if you can't see that future right now... you, the DEEP DOWN YOU is absolutely okay and always has been... there is simply a huge layer of crap sitting on top of the real you that needs to be washed off through awareness, through time, through self acceptance and self love. You are a beautiful unique soul and one day you will be allowed to shine through...)

sherlock

It sounds like the kind of help you need is not going to come from friends, but likely a professional counselor of one kind or another. If you are of a spiritual persuasion, seek someone in a church. If not, go the science route. Either way, you are going to need someone outside of your normal box for this one.