Reading your article has sparked a lot of thoughts in my mind, but I just don't have the words to put them into words. :)
There is a well-known phenomenon that happens to those who write, I don't know if it's called "blank page problem", "blinking text cursor problem" or something else. It's when you open your favorite writing application and spend hours staring at a blinking cursor (you know, the vertical bar that indicates the current position where the next character will be inserted if you decide to type any letter) inside a blank document/text field.
It's not as if there were no ideas or thoughts going on within their minds, it's because they can't be translated into words... They could fully tap into their unconscious, a process called "stream-of-(un)consciousness", but it's easy said than done: try to describe the taste of chocolate without using "chocolate", "cacao", "sweet", "sweetener", "sugar", among similar terms, and you'll realize you simply can't do it.
And there are situations where the thing *can* be translated into words, but they *shouldn't* be. It's when they're aware of the possible unwanted consequences of expressing that thing, so they keep it restricted to their own thoughts. It's not as if they were thinking an unsavory thing, but they know that it can't be said out loudly.
One of those situations is when the thing is a secret. Say someone told them a very deep and serious secret. A secret so intricate that can't be expressed without compromising the secrecy of the thing (as well as the secrecy of the person who told the secret). It's like having to carry a heavy boulder, forever.
All of those situations will face the same things: a blank page, a blinking cursor and a desire that simply can't be fulfilled to express something that can't be said. It's uncomfortable, it's on the verge of the painful.
But wait: there's more! There's a worse scenario, a scenario I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. A scenario where those three situations happen simultaneously: it's a secret, it's a thing that have no words to express it, and it's a thing that can't be shouted out loudly.
Words have consequences. Actions have consequences. Yet holding things to oneself also has consequences. Internal pressure increases until it reaches critical state. One's brain will keep rehashing and rehashing it, it's inevitable. It's akin to a Cassandra curse: they have something going on inside their mind, yet nice/good reactions wouldn't be found if they decided to express it (supposing that they could translate it into words).
So they keep it to themselves, just as Cassandra. They're the only ones that could potentially understand it... or could they? It's where the situation becomes even worse: it's a thing that they can't understand by themselves, they need help to understand it, but they're forbidden to seek help to understand it, because they can't say it in the first place. Even when they have close friends or familiar people, they couldn't use their help, and these people probably wouldn't understand either.
And this is where it becomes the worst scenario: ain't no close friends to even consider the possibility of talking to, nor "far friends", no one. Maybe they should rely on LLMs? Lol, they can't "understand" a thing, they're just fancy auto-completing algorithms, they can't reason, they can't help with the ineffable. Neither can that writing app, which is still blank, while they lost count on how many times its cursor blinked. Ain't no one besides themselves to try to tell the thing.
This is the ineloquibilis scenario: can't be said, can't be held to oneself either...
Reading your article has sparked a lot of thoughts in my mind, but I just don't have the words to put them into words. :)
Unfortunately, I too, am way too familiar with this. It's torture. I even destroyed my five previous journals by fear I had been too explicit in them, and that someone might read them someday... But in the end, I think it all comes down to anxiety, sometimes downright paranoia, or at least (after many reflections), I am sure it's the case for me.
The things that shouldn't be said, and can't be put into words are often a myriad of fears, of "what ifs" that all have a source, if you look deep enough, you can discover it. Once you know where it all comes from, it's easier to manage. You can then confront your feelings to facts and decide if it's worth losing your mind over.
Often times it's not, and most of the time there is a solution.
Yeah, it's like a part of ourselves is thrown away, I get it... I've lost count of how many journals and extensive corpora of texts (and artistic imagery, too) I've thrown away in the past. I'm used to write very long texts (and I'm often mistaken as being a wandering AI due to my neurodivergence), and it's not uncommon for me to stop, stare at it for some time, thinking of possible outcomes if I were to publish it, then decide to hit Ctrl+A followed by a merciless Backspace.
In my case, the main source is a blend of an ongoing depression, existential purposelessness and sometimes muffled despair, all mixed together with non-conformist feelings regarding the contemporaneity, nihilist viewpoints and burdensome knowledge vastness about the reality of an indifferent cosmos, lack of meaningful and comprehensive societal connections, and so on.
My superego knows I can't freely use some phrases and statements that my id wants to use, so my ego tries to conciliate things, either finding ways to say without saying it (be it through creativity catharsis and/or through deep and hidden layers of meaning), or simply leaving it alone.
Unfortunately, some things seem to be cosmically determined to have no solution at all. Bent trees can't be straightened after they become bent, and I was born as a bent tree. I try to cope with it in a daily basis, but it's all it's left for me to do in a compelled manner: trying to cope with it, without much of a success.
Maybe you should consider becoming an author. I struggle to find meaning in my life too, but I know one thing and it's that I want to write. I think it's what I must do to feel complete. You seem to have a unique point of view and maybe your purpose is to share it, and in doing so, find healing.