A hundred years in a day

~iazia

It's been a hot minute since last I posted! Trust me, it wasn't because my ADHD drove me into the brink of insanity with more doomscrolling. At some point, in early November, a pipe burst in the first floor bathroom and flooded the garage. For two days, we went without water until someone was able to come by to fix it, and then my mother decided it'd be a good time to renovate her bathroom (which was true). It wasn't until this past weekend that we were finally able to finish the construction. It looks fine, and will be easier for her to shower in, given her condition. And on top of all THAT, my own shower stops working because, for reasons we haven't figured out, water simply stopped running upwards to my shower. For these past few months, we had to make do by going to my aunt's house to help my mother shower, and I had to start washing my hair in the kitchen sink! I felt so gross.

For whatever reason, the whole situation made me feel... weird. Almost unsafe in my own house. After two years, I had become comfortable in this house, but then the pipe burst, and it felt almost like I was treading into someone else's house, you know? I didn't feel safe or secure. It didn't help that, despite it being cheap, having to fix and renovate ate a good chunk out of my savings.

In September, I began to exercise more, and focus on gardening more. Things haven't panned out quite that way - with my mother still infirmed, it makes leaving the house much more difficult. Gardening was easier, but it's winter and freezing now, so there's no point in doing much besides tending the plants inside the house. And I couldn't exercise if I had no running water. I'm barely getting back into it now.

There's so much in my mind right now. I don't know where to begin to address what I want to really say. There's a lot of self-loathing, in how I handled my mental conditions and let them ruin my life. A lot can be done to repair the damage, but not much. How do you, after all, explain to someone why there's such a gap in your life in your late twenties? How do you explain depression, ADHD, an extremely unhealthy relationship that left you feeling so drained it may have rotted your brain? Even now, I end up falling back on not moving, just sitting and scrolling. Or just... sitting. Every fiber of my being telling me to get up, write, clean, do something, but the body isn't willing.

Mostly, I'm thinking of what I can do to fix that and change the trajectory of my life. I know medication would greatly help. Finding a doctor will help. But with my finances strained, how can I achieve this? I feel trapped in a loop. It's hard to force myself to do anything. Even moreso when I have to care for someone else, and that person belittles you more often than not.

I can start on the little things. I can start on exercising, writing again, reading again. Learning (or rather, relearning) tech stuff. Learn to use a gun again. Focus on more vegetation in my garden. Is it contradictory to say I should learn to cut off family members at some point? Maybe it'll help. Solitude will help. I need to avoid the distractions somehow.

Writing this all down alone helps. But I still feel at the mercy of my disorders.