Midnight Pub

The joy of rediscovery or fear of eluding memories

~stravagant

I am rooted in a deep nostalgia for myself, I stumble upon bits and pieces of my past and am met with mixed feelings.

Why do I struggle so much to retain memories that feel like they should be integral to my personality?

As long as I can remember having to put myself into words has always proven to be challenging, most often stressful.

Off the top of my head I cannot seem to make sense of who I am.

How are other people seemingly able to conjure a list of their favourite anything effortlessly? Are my memories failing me or do I just not work that way?


mole65

I remember it was easy for me to make a list of favorite artists or movies, but that was when my world was very small — it was just beginning of grade school, so you had maybe a buck of tapes, a tape rental with always same tv-series and movies available, and well, I just didn't experience much at that point.

When world opened I noted how many things there are, and more importantly, how small were I knew. It didn't grow on me instantly, more like a slow flow of exploration — new things, new music, new people which all make previous experience feel kind of small and biased. After some time, going back to things I absolutely loved became a kind of two-sided blade: yes, now I understand them even more clearly, and oh no, they are so different from how I felt about them back in 10 or 20 years ago.

The point is? I think what you feel right now, what you like right now is what makes you up. To me being alive is a fleeting experience, there is no single state that can describe that yes, this is complete me, and tying together memories from different periods of time are all a bit similar but "different" versions of me, for better or worse.

I think I begin to feel that these changes follow some direction over time, perhaps these directions what make me up, but can't say for sure.

P.S. When posed with such question, I usually blurt out lighthearted answer recalling whatever I experienced and liked in past month or so. That is usually close enough to what feels right.

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stravagant

Thank you for sharing your experience, I really appreciate it.

I will let your thoughts resonate with me.

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