Midnight Pub

Hello there, I am tired

I am currently writing this at 10 pm on a Tuesday night before a Chemistry Exam.

I am so fucking sick and tired

No it is not sleep - I slept well and have caffeinated myself.

It is not exhaustion - I have barely done any work today.

I am just sick and tired of my life in general.

The people, the work, the routine, the lack of routine, the tasks... it's just makes me want to leave and never come back.

Don't get me wrong - I absolutely adore the people in my college

It's just that, people require so much brain power. And except for the two I can just be with, I am sick and tired of acting - even a little - in front of them. AND GOOD GOD THE DRAMA. Why the fuck did you say that, He did what?!?! Oh this person likes this person?? Well whoop-di-fucking do.

Also, don't even get me started on how my two best-friends have started liking each other and are exploring their romance, which sucks for me for many reasons (I am aromantic, I feel

I am sick and tired of the seemingly endless treadmill of academia - classes, exams, homework - it has been going on for 15 years and probably will for another 4 (rough numbers, don't @ me)

But at the same time, I am genuinely fascinated by what I study (

I am sick and tired of extracurriculars - too many things happening at once.

I am sick and tired of trying to keep myself together. I am sick and tired of undoing whatever fuckery happened in my head that fucked me up so much. I am sick and tired of striving

I am sick and tired of not knowing what to do. I have a million interests all pulling me a little bit at a time. And if I am not indulging in one of my interests, I am suffering from crippling depression.

Sometimes, I just wish I was a part of a movie or a story - like Lord of the Rings.

I had my duty

I had a singular duty that meant something

And once that duty was done, my story would be over

And I will no longer exist

My life would have mattered and would have had a neat little bow on it

I guess my thinking is biased (I jokingly say I was raised by the movies)

But yeah

</rant>

Ok so I didn't post this when I wrote it. It is the next day. I did the exam well, I am relatively more stable now but yeah. Still tired. Not as cranky though

~bartender I'll have an Irish Coffee please

acolyte

hello. i'm afraid i'm too scatter-brained right now to answer every one of your frustrations one at a time. though i do have a catch-all remedy for all of them which i hope can help you- it is called wu wei. the moment you said you were sick of striving, i thought of it. wu wei roughly means doing without effort (without striving)-- but that's just what i've been told it means- i do not speak mandarin or any of the languages spoken currently or historically in mainland china.

i am ecstatic to hear that the exam went well for you. i hope that takes some stress off of your back. maybe now is the time to relax, seeing as the hard work is over- or is there more to come? a moment's break won't hurt. even if you have to set an alarm on your phone so that you won't get carried away, try to spend a portion of each day, generally morning or afternoon, just seperating completely from your day to day challenges. perhaps some one of those movies you mentioned could be your escape. perhaps you are one of the rare few people who does not need an escape, and can naturally enjoy the silence of their own brain on command. either way, if you do manage to find this solace, congratulations, and i hope you enjoy it.

perhaps posting this rant was your escape. in that case, perhaps we will meet again- and if we do, perhaps i'll have an irish coffee with you-- in a different place, of course, but still communicating together over the criss-crossed wires, while enjoying an irish coffee- and if those two aspects, communication and coffee, are not the fundamentals of any good lunch with another person, i'll be damned if i know which things are.

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