The title is inaccurate, its 4 am but I'm sticking to it.
A breakup sucks. Every time my phone rings, every notification I get, every time the screen lights up; my heart jumps a bit and I start hoping against hope that its from her. That she's reaching out to talk.
The reality of it is that I messed up and hurt her. In my cyclical breakdown and self isolation sessions, I didn't respond back to her. After a couple of times, she felt jaded and lost affection to me. Perhaps even resented me. The time she confessed that my presence and absence were indifferent to her was when I realized that I was dead to her.
It it my understanding that she has moved on from me. It is I that have yet to fully accept the departure. On the surface I realize that she isn't coming back. But beneath it, subconsciously I haven't embraced the truth. Letting go of her, or perhaps the hope of hearing from her, means accepting that it has truly ended. That seems to hold my by the throat and choke me.
But by depriving myself of the truth of letting go I am not allowing myself to move on. I'm constantly distracted, eating poorly and my work is sub-optimal at best. Essentially I am stifling my own potential for growth and happiness by being hung up on what could've been.
Life gets better when I don't just hate myself. I need to let go. My self awareness is cold and clear, but my illogical self holds on to hope for something that can never be.