Am I the only person who feels alone while surrounded by people?

HEAVY DISCLAIMER!! THIS POST CAN POST LIKELY BE CATEGORIZED AS A VENT POST!!! IF YOU DO NOT WISH TO HEAR SOMEONE RAMBLE ON FOR [xyz] AMOUNT OF PARAGRAPHS I SUGGEST YOU CLICK OFF!

Heya, it's your favorite drunk gal here taking yet another 40 minutes to write a post just to make sure it's spellchecked correctly (...or at least I hope it is)

Today I come with a slightly different... heavier topic- Or scratch that, not really different, but definitely a lot heavier, and a *LOT* longer.

(Also post writing Memer here, this post reads a lot more like looking into someone's mind rather than a blog post so, if that's not your thing, also be wary ♥)

So, to start this off, in case someone recognizes me, HI!! Glad to see you back~! And in case someone doesn't, also Hi!! This is just an fyi or a warning as some might call it that this post that I'm writing will absolutely include topics of nihilism, suicide, self doubt, and whatever else, I won't get explicit obviously but if this/these sort of topic/cs make you uncomfortable I just thought I'd say it first, anyways, onto the actual content part of this post.

I... I don't actually know where to start, as stated in the beginning of this (and most lol) of my posts, I'm writing this drunk, so I'm sorta just going off what I have in my head... and what I have is a bunch of jumbled thoughts. Now, you may think to yourself - "But Memer! How can your thoughts be jumbled if you're writing coherently right now! How are you even drunk when your grammar is this good!?" - I'm so glad you asked! Imaginary person, I'll answer the second question before answering the first definitely-not-deliberately-placed question next... And that is because I take like 3 minutes spellchecking each paragraph I make

And now... Onto the second, way heavier question... I... I don't really know...?

Now I've mentioned this in some of my other posts (I think) but, recently/for a long time I've been having huge, huge self doubting thoughts, and I don't mean just "Oh I'm not good enough..." types of thoughts or the regular imposter syndrome thoughts , no, no this time... I feel as if I've truly hit the peak of my nihilism.

In case you don't know, hi, I'm Memer, I'm from Poland and I'm currently attending the 3rd year of something which is called a "Technikum" (in short; high school which has subjects specialized in a certain career direction). The only problem: I'm on the brink of failing... At the time of writing this, tommorow, I'm taking my Polish retake exam because obviously that's the only subject which the girl from Poland would fail at, the thing is though...

That I sort of... don't feel anything... I don't feel the stress, I don't feel the pressure... I just feel... empty...?

It's... INCREDIBLY... incredibly hard to describe, fuck me... half of this post is gonna feel like a schizophrenic ramble, requiring multiple cryptography PHD'S to decipher but, for the past few months I just haven't felt anything... no fear, no pressure... no will to do anything but rot...

And I can't pinpoint anything except the fact that I sorta feel complete? Now for context, I've never been a master of one type of person, I'm more so a jack of all trades, and... I've achieved just that... I feel... I feel happy with where I am...

So what's the point?

What's the point of trying further

"Oh but what if you tried to make a game! That could be fun-"; Any concept which has ever existed has already been perfected in one way of another, assuming that perfection is absolute -- you cannot surpass perfection. "What if you tried making some sort of software which could help peop-"; Everything which I thought of making has already been done in one way or another, I see no reason to reinvent the wheel other than for the pure sake of doing so. "Well since you have nothing to do, then just do that! Reinvent the wheel! Maybe you'll-"; It's pointless since, going back to my first point, assuming that "the wheel" is perfection, reinventing perfection can only cause more issues to arise

I just... I don't know what to do with myself... I wish I could describe my issues as just a simple "lack of motivation", but I know that deep down it's something worse, something which anyone reading this here could definitely spot, something which I know of but can't quite pinpoint

If you've made it this far I just wanna say... thank you for reading all of this, to ease your mind - no this is NOT a suicide not - it's just... I needed to get this off of my mind, in a place where no one but internet strangers could see, I don't feel like worrying those close to me would do me any good

~bartender? Get this brave soul which has stumbled here whatever they may desire... How will I pay? We'll see in due time...

And to you, dear reader, if you're in the same type of situation as me, I just wanna tell you that I hope things get better, I may not know you and you may not know me, but we're bound together by this small little site, and with what little power I have, I just want to let you know that you matter. Ironic coming from someone like me I know, but another thing which I also know is that if I saw a post like this, I would take it to heart

♥

fallenriver

Any concept which has ever existed has already been perfected in one way of another, assuming that perfection is absolute -- you cannot surpass perfection

I just want to say, I couldn't disagree more! I can give you an interesting story to think about: Max Planck almost didn't pursue physics. His high school teacher told him that physics was "mostly complete, with a few little details to solve." That could not be further from the truth. He enrolls in a physics program anyway, and basically changes our whole idea of physics: It definitely was *not* complete.

Don't underestimate yourself. The potential of any person is much more than what they currently are. I've only been exposed to your writing for a very small amount of time, I have full trust in your ability to make it all work out. It doesn't have to be today. It doesn't have to be soon. I _know_ it will be, though.

Thank you for the kind words, stranger. Take care, and good luck on your exam...it was today wasn't it? Oh well, hope it went well!

Good Day!

The little story about Max Planck does in my opinion have very practical consequences.

I have been confronted with (computy) problems in my dayjob more than once, where I did not have any clue, what was going on. There was noone in reach to talk more about it. My search Fu on the internet is mediocre at best. So how did I solve it? Well. Sit down every morning and look at the puzzle pieces. Pick something that looks "interesting" today. Rattle at the whole chain of hardware, software, measurements, results. Always ask yourself, whether you think this detail is the the way it presents itself, or whether you "know" it. Before you launch the next test or experiment, write down the expected outcome. Document your surprises! Put everything under scrutiny, even cables and power supplies. And so forth.

Now where does Planck come into this game? Well, it is just never "mostly complete". The "mostly" is, where so far invisible doors open to new knowledge or even new universes.

Good luck!

memer

That's strangely motivating, I never knew that, so thanks for sharing that little fact with me!

Also yeah, in all honesty looking back at it, as much as I don't wish to admit it... things DO take time, and time is something that will go regardless of whether I want it to go or not, so I might as well do something with it...

And yeah! It was yesterday (at the time of me writing this lol), and I passed! BARELY... but I passed! So in my book it went splendidly :3

stravagant

I share many of your thoughts, thank you for expressing them.

Being an optimist at heart, I believe that things will work out for us!

memer

Thank you, the fact that midnight pub is such a small and tight knit community makes your words mean a lot more to me than if it were anywhere else, thank you once again dear stranger <3