Fumbling for the reset button

~zampano

I’ve been thinking about change a lot. For a few years now, I’ve been restless and vaguely uncomfortable with where my life is, but have struggled to identify specifics. It’s compounded first and foremost by the fact that we humans are very good at post-hoc rationalizations; I can come up with any number of things that *could* be why I feel this way, but that doesn’t mean that they *are*. On top of that, by the metrics used by anyone I’ve talked to about this, I’m doing good. I wouldn’t say that I feel guilty about being uncomfortable, necessarily, but it does add some extra static to trying to figure things out.

The one thing I do know is that I need to change something, something big or fundamental. Whether this is external or internal remains unclear. For example, I’d love to find a new job, but don’t actually know what I want to look for. I get bored with everything sooner or later, so what would actually be better? I’d certainly like to stop working for the people I currently work for (whom I do not trust in the slightest). While this is fine as far as it goes, it doesn’t provide any useful information as far as what, specifically, I should be looking at. Granted I make this harder on myself by mixing practical concerns in with others: “I don’t have any marketable skills outside my niche, so there’s no point looking anywhere else” or “my current job lets me work from home and offers a tremendous amount of schedule flexibility, two things I’m not likely to get elsewhere, so I shouldn’t bother.” I try my best to set those to the side, but thoughts virtually never come into my head alone, so I can’t always tell what’s hitched a ride on what I’m “actually” thinking about.

I do think this separation or discernment is something I need to get better at. I struggle with writing regularly, for example, because it just doesn’t feel like it leads anywhere or really means anything. If I say something and there’s no one around to hear it, does it matter? The question of whether I do/don’t “like writing” may not actually be the right one, as this feeling of shouting into the void goes deeper. I know I should be willing to do things for their own sake, and I still do a lot of the time. I’m just tired of feeling like that’s *all* I’m doing.