Hi Midnight Pub. It's been a longtime since I've went back on this website and I've been running through the posts I've missed out on in the last few months. Life has been overall good---I've moved cross-country back home, at least temporarily until my partner finishes his Master's. Now I live in a big, bustling city, I've been making friends (albeit slowly) and reconnecting with childhood ones too, and I've been working on my project almost entirely, using freelance as a means to support me. And best of all, I'm going to be traveling soon after getting accepted in a month-long program, which means I'm going to get to see Europe. All that's to say is that my life is comfortable, especially while my move is still brand-new and everything feels lively here in uptown, while the weather is still (somewhat) warm.
But yet, I spent my time in that last place I lived at for almost a decade. And I'm still brooding over my last friendship falling apart in particular, how I've never gotten a call back, how easily I was being snapped at and disrespected (though there definitely things that were my fault---most which I apologized for). In particular, how dedicated they became to their new boyfriend. When I offered help during a particular distressing situation they were undergoing, providing resources and helping them answer phone calls, I was only told later by that friend that her boyfriend (and her by extension) resented me for that---that it wasn't my business and that I was being pushy (my friend directly asked me for help in this case and the situation was serious enough to involve authorities).
Some of my other friendships have randomly fizzled out, either from them disappearing and never hearing from them again (nothing personal), them finding a new best friend or partner to dedicate 100% of their time to, or them being socially indifferent (i.e. reclusive in general). Of course, I'm lucky to still have friends who do regularly contact me who are by all means friendly, kind, and supportive---but it does make me feel a bit isolated sometimes, especially when everyone is just so busy sometimes. And granted, I should reach out more, but I think I stretch myself thin sometimes from planning so many events and hangouts that I want to sometimes let others handle that emotional burden. To add to that, I definitely can repress my real feelings and opinions sometimes (due to many traumatizing experiences I had at home and with past friend groups), so that energy can get all bundled inside of me without any outlet for me to release it except when working on projects. And most of this isn't even referring to the loneliness epidemic and how many friends, colleagues, and former classmates I've had are addicted to their phone---what's scarier though is that I'm slowly falling into that same rabbit hole and I'm starting to find myself becoming depressed from Reddit and Instagram.
All, this is to say, I'm happy but strangely lonely. Times are weird and very uncertain with the current social, political, and economic climate we're in, but that'll soon eventually pass. But this feeling, it probably won't.
"Bartender, get me a rum and coke. Maybe make it two..."