Hey all, your favorite (not) patron here, coming out of the woodworks for her once-a-whatever post... this time, Im sober, and I hope to keep it that way
Where do I start? This one might be a bit longer than the usual post I make so sit back while you read this one, or not... but, if I may ask of it kindly, then I would appreciate any and all of the souls who may read this.
Ive had a partner, genderfluid, he was - and still is - the highlight of my life, yet I never realized it, I never realized it until it was too late... And now, because of my mistakes, I sit here, doomscrolling, thinking about how I could've been in his arms instead.
I crossed a boundry, a line, I had always taken her for granted, yet I never realized how terribly awful Ive felt without her, there is no one I can turn around to for the sake of brightening my mood, there's no one here with me to listen to all my annoying shit, there's not a soul in my room except me, myself, and I.
Obviously, its more dramatic, I still live with my parents and with my cats, sometimes someone does wander into my room but... its not the same... Now, to clear things up, I still have contact with them, I still have contact with the boy who made my life worth living, with the one whom I always brushed off until it was too late. I always had issues with emotions, being trans, being raised male, I had always been taught that "men dont show emotions", "men never cry", "men dont need help", and all of those awful, awful awful mindsets, I thought I was strong mentally and that I overcame them, yet I didn't.
And that's what led to the fact that I am currently at the worst point in my life ever, this isnt some regular heartbreak no; this is losing someone who accepted me for all my flaws and who tried to fix me, someone who broke themselves, and someone who's self-breakage made me realize how terrible of a life Ive been living
Now, It's not all bad, I still have contact with her, we talk on the daily, call, video call, talk, recently Ive even read her some wikipedia articles to sleep lol, but what hurts the most about all of this is that she still loves me, and I still love her, but due to how hard I broke her trust, she doesn't want to be with me right now.
There's still a chance, and no, this isnt some internet person cope, Ive asked him directly before if he still loves me and if we have a chance, and while he said yes to still loving me, he said "I dont know" to the being together part... and now, for my final act of stupidity, I shall become the best person I could possibly be in order to regain that trust
"Oh but, random internet girl, isnt that just pathetic? Wont you end up getting hurt in the process?" No, and... no! Ive made it very clear to him that Im set on getting his trust back, and, Ive also quietly accepted the fact that he might find someone new, and if that happens, then Ill have to accept that, it'll hurt and sting, but I'll accept it. But if not, if by some miracle he gives me one last and final chance, Ill be the best version of myself <3
Ive had a huge drinking problem before, I knew I did but I never took it seriously, but, recently on the aforementioned video call, I poured all of my alcohol in front of him, Ive set up a "I am sober" notification, and Im breaking all my bad habits, Im making sure that I'll never take anyone for granted, even you, patrons, all of you who read and maybe even reply, I appreciate all of you for taking the time out of your precious days to listen to my ramble
This isnt meant to be a sad post, in fact, if by the impossibly small miracle of a chance I fix their trust in me and we get back together, Ill proudly show off this post, show that, even when he wasn't looking, I was doing my best
And if we don't get together? Ill still show this post, to yet again show, that Im not only improving myself for him, but also improving myself for the sake of being a better person towards others
If there's a lesson to be learned, never take anything for granted, if you have a partner, a pet, or anyone close, go on right now and message them, or tell them, or pet them (applies to both pets and people), and let them know how much you value them, you never know how quickly some thing's may change
~Bartender? ...This time, and for all the remaining times until the end of Time, water for me, please
And for anyone else, it's on me