anger

~x404zu

I hate emotions. I hate that they don't make sense. This is conflicting because I'm a romantic through and through, but people aren't as transparent as words are. And sometimes the words they say isn't what they mean. It's confusing. I hate being confused. I hate my own feelings the most. I've lived my life categorizing people's words, body movements and silence just so I can form replies. My life is just forming a reply. And it works. Everything works when things are transparent and uncomplicated and under control but I don't have control of anything. And that makes me feel angry. Which is not an emotion I've ever felt. Anger is the most irrational to me, I've refused to feel angry over and over because I seemed to not have it in me, I get terrified of anger when somebody is wearing it but recently I've been angry. All I can think about is how angry I am. And it's physically painful. I hate emotions and myself for feeling them.

Feeling real anger for the first time has thrown me for a loop. In all this irrational anger and confusion though, I feel somewhat comforted by the fact that I can feel so much. It's frustrating that I don't understand it because I want to understand everything, but it's feeling has taught not everything is meant to be understood. I am not worried about staying kind or continuing that cycle of abuse that I've always been on the receiving end of. Cycles don't have to continue. That's one thing I can control. Not putting others through what I've been through. What does worry me is that since I spend so much time trying to understand other people's feelings I forget myself. Completely nonexistent unless somebody else perceives me. And that catches up to me and really, really makes everything hurt. Many things make me feel like a freak but feeling emotions has started to make me feel more human. I struggle with feeling out of my body a lot and I wish I didn't hold on to real things because sometimes emotions are the only thing that feels real. But real is good. Real is what I need. So I'm just trying to let myself feel and be okay with not understanding why.