I must admit this post2020-12-05 - Living with darkness: chronic suicidality
I mean, not completely, as many of the potential underlying factors cited (e.g. "whole world would be better off without you") are absent for me.
For me, the most prominent motivators are variations on the theme of recurring "AHA moment"-grade senses/realization that life really is BUT a dream; more precisely, a modeling/conceptuality repeating at so fast a rate relative to the rate the notion of a "self" is repeated that the former seems solid/permanent/"real" - not unlike how when, say, a hand is "quicker than the eye", one might swear one experienced "magic".
What I'm attempting to describe (he says, perpetually haunted by "the words are mine; the meaning is you" in the attempt..) is conceptuality as a "field of modeling"... that "mind" is merely a symbol of <can't be described>... and that whatever is re-peated most seems the most re-al....
So... it's obvious "Inquiry" models aspects of <real name>. But, then, doesn't <real name> as well? Isn't anything/everything that can be named actually merely a thought repeated?
But somehow, the <can't be said> "identifies" (Gurdjieff/Ouspensky sense) with a model of a subjective element in a sea of other-than-subjectivity, aka a "real" objective world... and does so quite convincingly (i.e. faster than all other notions occurred to said notion of subjective individuality)....
You know? ;-)
Going back to the "chronic suicidality" part... well, why endure the negative sides of subjectivity, which must seemingly persist so long as drunk in/on embracing/identifying-with said subjectivity, and believing in the seeming objectivity generated as the twain seemingly "lift and separate" (haha) in "mind"...?
Am "I" merely the repetition of the notion of <real name> (btw, said repetition is "time"...), such that should that notion ever "leave the (mind) building", it would be as though there was never a <real name> to begin with....?