Humanity

~apollo

First off, I want to write "out loud" that I think the small-internet provides a comfortable and intimate space to write authentically and personally. It's nice.

I've been thinking a lot about my humanity. Just what it means to be a person and contrast that to societal obligations and expectations to strive to achieve a high status of career capability. This is about my feelings.

...

I recently asked somebody to practice dance with.

I'd been flip flopping emotionally whether I connected with this person or not, but after our practice, I felt uplifted from spending time with them. Not about the practice, which also went well, but our interaction. It wasn't awkward, it wasn't difficult, it was easy to smile and laugh together. it felt good to be around this person.

It's been 8 years since i've dated anybody. It was something I fell into and I didn't really think about how I felt and whether it was something I wanted.

For a long time afterwards, I didn't want to date. Sometimes it was because I didn't want people in my life, sometimes it was because I was insecure about sharing a life with somebody else, sometimes it was personal inadequacy or other sometimes people not being adequate enough.

...

I recently opened myself up to the idea of dating and... It feels really good, and scary.

When I first started dancing, I had so much fun that I thought it was a fluke. Like, nobody can actually enjoy themselves this much from an activity. I can't help but doubt my feelings towards this person the same way I thought my joy from dance was a fluke.

I'm a little afraid the feelings were a fluke, or that I like the idea of this person rather than the person themselves, or that maybe they don't like me like that. It's silly to be so self-conscious about my feelings like this. I've been a very independent and self-focused person and to all of a sudden feel so invested in my relationship with somebody else is kind of novel.

...

I don't think there's a point to this other than the expression of my humanity.