I was going to write this as a reply, but I figured it would be better to make it a post.
I've been reading a number of books on: the "occult", magic, mysticism. And yet, none of it feels like it's getting me any closer to reality. Indeed, no amount of words, no matter how scientific, poetic, or inspired, manages to break through the barrier of language themselves, and get to reach, even remotely, at the true nature lying behind our cerebral interpretation of the reality, at our cultural construction by which we measure and judge and evaluate and by which we limit the whole of reality to a few moulds that conveniently fit together on more or less consistent, more or less elegant theories that fit our intellectual conceits. No amount of Qabalah, no Book of Changes ever does much more than further bury my experience of the world in an ever-growing pile of words and concepts.
There are a few books that do sort of hint at the marvelous reality out there, that, more than pretend to give me a glimpse of the mystical reality behind the veil, prompt me to go out and directly tear the veil myself and experience that mystical reality which is open to all with eyes to see, and senses to feel (we are extremely visual creatures, so much so that we have managed to relegate all our other senses to a position that is secondary to vision, thus limiting the range of experiences available to us).
And yet, I cannot just disregard all the wisdom that, one way or another, comes down through the ages, handed down by those who have experienced many lives and many ways to see the world, and who distill their life experiences in words and even systems of wisdom that provide, if nothing else, a system of symbols through which it is somewhat possible to translate the direct experience of reality for processing of the intellect. These systems of symbols, however, are best learned once and promptly forgotten, not ruminated upon endlessly to get in the way of lived felt experience. Nature has endowed us a gift, and we would be unwise not to use it. It is folly to rely entirely on the intellect to detriment of every other source of experience and knowledge, but to neglect it altogether and not use it's wonderful powers would be just as wasteful, for what are we not if not a kind of animal that thinks and uses reason to move itself about the wonderful world?
So I keep reading my books, I keep burying myself in systems of symbols, with the hope that one day I might forget them all, and that they will serve my intuition at those times when the need to interpret reality in order to make decisions arises, in order to navigate this complicated world dominated by intellectual stupidity.
Still, I long for the day when I am finally free from the screen, and from the complicated systems of thought and symbols with which we overwhelm our brains to shield us from the direct experience of a world that is far richer, and far more mysterious, than the safety of our categories and theories provides for our fragile and scaredy egoes. I am abused, indeed, I have abused myself through years of screen usage and looking at the world throught the cultural values of an overarching man-centered narrative that disguises itself as oh-so-critical and aggrandizes itself as a matter of utmost importance, bordering on the anihilation of man himself and the whole of nature with him.
A more austere, in a way a feral me calls from within myself and from my past, one that would find a comfortable spot in a lonely place in nature and just bathe in the sounds and smells of an unsuspected corner of a mostly unexplored world, seemingly familiar and yet strange as anything beyond this world could hope to be.
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Strange that even though I live *in* nature, there is hardly a naturale place to visit these days. Everything is touched by man, and nearly every square meter of land is inflicted by the perturbation of the work of men in the tireless pursuit of.... what? something called money, I am told. Yet I look around and I don't see any of that "money", much as they say "bananas, that's where the money is at". I make a point to run away from where the money is at and pull in the opposite direction. I hope the day comes when I can find the spot where the money is not.
~bartender.... do you have yerba mate? coffee is becoming too acidic for my stomach.
Language is perhaps the best, and most important human invention. It's quite tragic that it only encapsulates so much of our being. It's fundamental flaw being that interpretation is left up to the reader, not the author. Of course, that is also what makes language beautiful. That's just my $0.02, anyway. By commenting, I am only part of the problem...
Words mask the ineffable reality - steal its thunder, as it were. Words keep us looking "there" instead of "here": which is saying quite emphatically that, "here" being us, looking "there" is necessarily looking away from looking, which somehow creates representations that can even seem very real flesh and blood.
The underlying they would conceal is never not available. Just get a really good look at where/what you really are. It's stunning, yet not accessible to senses or thoughts. Ignore the latter two, and the underlying appears. Luxuriate there!
I found this post engaging, as I have been coming into my own understanding and sort of "unlearning" of the world, too, but through an opposing angle. I don't know if I can ever put a name to my understanding of reality, but as I continue to dive into deep ecology and meditation, I'm arriving at a sort of animistic, atheistic mysticism. It's impossible to not feel more like an animal when you are away from people and society. To feel like you are a small but equally important piece of a very large epic drama playing out over the course of earth's history. I'm not sure if you read my posts here (starting with #2358) but I like to say that you and I are both flirting with something much larger than ourselves that feigns attempts at categorization, or language itself.
I'm actually working on a long trip report that talks about my reality getting a bit broken for a couple of hours after taking a THC edible, and it was after this experience and a lot of introspection that I've begun to suspect that the path forward with learning about this "marvelous reality" is through chemical manipulation and movement into novel environments. Our minds are a giant sponge for our senses, and they're mirrors of the place we occupy. I spent a week in Utah, exploring the Great Basin, the Pine Valley Mountains, had a near-death experience at Snow Valley State Park, and I can say with certainty that the whole of these experiences were transformative.
Still, I long for the day when I am finally free from the screen, and from the complicated systems of thought and symbols with which we overwhelm our brains to shield us from the direct experience of a world that is far richer, and far more mysterious, than the safety of our categories and theories provides for our fragile and scaredy egoes.
Friend, I've been waging this same battle since I was a teen. A sort of reckoning that, everything we see here is not really all there is, right? The unconscious mind absorbs SO much information and it shields us from all but 0.01% of it, is there really no way we can tap into more?
So I keep reading my books, I keep burying myself in systems of symbols, with the hope that one day I might forget them all
This is where I feel like you and I diverge in practice. I am certainly not an anti-intellectual, but when it comes to subjects such as these, I do feel that the more we absorb ourselves in higher learning, we cripple ourselves. To become more left-brain, you must move away from the right-brain. The man who is awakened to the hyperreal world must be high in openness, and intuition, and improvisation. It requires one to turn off the internal monologue and become the "invisible eye-ball" written about by R. W. Emerson. I am afraid that burying yourself in theory is only good for understanding theory, but it robs you of valuable time engaging in practice.
Strange that even though I live *in* nature, there is hardly a naturale place to visit these days. Everything is touched by man, and nearly every square meter of land is inflicted by the perturbation of the work of men in the tireless pursuit of.... what?
Money and power. The judeochristian drive to 'conquer' nature, and assert our superposition over it. It's an evil core that only spreads rot and ruin. I'm afraid we will never truly overcome this drive, but more hopeful minds disagree. My recommendation is to visit a large state park and keep the phone on airplane mode and DND mode. The first time I did this I entertained suicidal thoughts, which was scary... But it also helped me. Your mileage my vary.
Can you have it all? That is an age old question. When you're on top, perhaps. When you're not...it seems impossible. Perhaps you're looking for the answers in all the wrong places. If I were Douglas Adams, I might say that we aren't asking the right questions.
Here's another idea. Instead of getting another grimoire, next time get a memoir. Find a dusty old forgotten tale from a past century someone wrote about their childhood. Find an anthology of short stories about bugs.
FIY: A comment from a guy from Europe, who doesn't read any esoteric books, yet listens to the shit stream of various esoteric info streams and hunts for gems. A typical online wanderer, I guess. Also, don't trust me (later explained). Also, I like to speak in a mystery language (that's what my stupidity is for, to keep me interested).
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Hmmmm... None of this esoteric stuff is getting you closer to reality?
I have a different experience. <))>
I remember you posted something about the Godot engine some time ago. Well, lemme ask you how many projects you have built. How many were complete craps? How many were things that were later reused? I did a lot of craps and a few gems. I like to compare my every project to something like "The Tower of Babel". We build a tower, which will later collapse. But the yield of these survived buildings tells you how successful your work was. I can assure you that the earlier you realize this scheme, the better success you will get from your projects.
Speaking of doing a work. Ever heard about the guys in aprons? Heh, I am not one of them (I am too young, lol... >=25? to be one of them), but these lizards have come up with a pretty nice set of tools. Square to limit yourself, Compass to plan your actions, Level to treat others with specific respect, the rough stone and the polished stone to tell you what it is like to fit in the society, the guy who knows a secret of the kebabmaster??? to spread knowledge and not be too greedy???
And Hammer? to do your plans?... Ahh yes, The hammer and compass. I am not a commie, but I like these symbols because of the meaning behind them. But hey, you mentioned Death. The symbol that occurred or was seen in almost every culture in the world. How about the Santa Muerte, and the fellow gringos who sit in the toughest jail of all time, known as the school. Idk, but since I was a child I was always into black colors and skulls literally. Even today when I attend college, I hope that she will release me from hell, and together we will cut satan's head. Idk, Death is very popular. Look at the "Totenkopf", but not the SS stuff. How about the freikorps, or the Prussian hussars?
Eghh... Death... How about some distrust, like in the crypto world (joined in 2018)? It is all like a protocol. Establish a conspiracy handshake, start sending some shitty transactions, and find out that you understand each other. (ofcrs I am not going to pay to have friends, like these dudes in aprons do, lol suckers)
But every crypto addict had to go through the trading floor. Why don't you look at the technical analysis as esoteric as your books? Monkey see Monkey do, they say. And I... was... that monkey too. Maybe I still am. But what if there are many monkeys that see the same shit as you. Don't you think that they won't buy similar shit at similar price levels?
So yeah... enjoy your yerba mate. I hope I have at least interested you in real use cases for this esoteric shit.
But again, I am that monkey. From time to time I switch to a different Egregore or some other shit.