Midnight Pub

what must be said, "must" not be said


Writing. It sucks. For me. I've done it profusely (right word, yes!) since age 8. My relationship is tattered with it.

What I like though, as I've discovered, is that the "voice", the words/thoughts of things that "must" be said, "need/must" not be said. What matters is that *I* know that *I* matter - that *my thoughts* and *my voice* (and my perceptions of the world therein), are mine and I want to have them. And that I appreciate THAT I have them.

I felt under a spell of "needing to convey" things online for a bit, but no longer.

A smattering of updates and a litany of IRC exchanges/e-mails - that's my jam.

Until later...


Being in a happy relationship without a fluent common language, I've come to realise that being 100% understood and using exact explicit terms is overrated. Often 50% in a basic manner is enough, and that we both have rich separate worlds that appreciate our educated nuances where our egos can be validated.

It has the benefit that our interaction with one another is largely ego-free (outside of a few spats here and there).

I've been in a relationship before where she 100% got all my references, had the same "sophisticated wit", and was educated to the same degree as me... and it was the most stressful, competitive, and pettiest relationship I'd ever been in,

Sometimes, small gestures are the best, and we can leave the essays at the door



I've concluded (not that I won't change my mind yet again, of course...) it's not writing per se that sucks. For me what sucks is becoming attached to imagined and/or hoped-for results of writing, mostly - if not entirely - in the department of "attention from others". The need for that has long vastly exceeded attention hopes/expectations.

So there's working with some thoughts in the direction of slowly arranged and polished word accretions. That part is challenging and mostly enjoyable. And it feels good to eventually read something that accurately/efficiently/cleverly reflects the original thoughts/feelings.

But then there's the ego-driven stuff.

And then it occurs to me that it's essentially some form or another of said ego-driven stuff that ruins everything for... me/ego.... >_<