'Tis a fickle funny fucked thing, individual relations. These seem to be the options:
1) "it's better to be lucky than good"
2) "try, try again" (at establishing relationships)
3) transcend the need for relationships
Thing is, even when (1) and/or (2) work, it's possible to either outgrow the relationships they bring, or otherwise realize they weren't as they seemed in the beginning. So the game remains harrowing even when it seems to be working.
To me, *that* realization came to suggest (3) is best - that, generally speaking, cessation of need/want is the cessation of seeming lack - aka underlying problem solved.
I suppose a weak version of (3) might be to find online versions of relationship sufficient. But, of course, success in that department can seemingly collapse at any moment - not unlike how a blogging gig can suddenly seem a complete waste of time.
I wish I had a better answer, complete with infallible steps to success. But we're all moving targets, butterflies hyper flight-spastic in unpredictable winds.
For the longest time I thought I had many solid relationships mediated by the phone. But I eventually discovered I was the only one making the calls, with fairly significant alcohol intake masking the unsatisfying experience of that.
Eventually I concluded my expectations were well beyond what the world of others could/can deliver
It took me longer to see that online, where it's easy to imagine making connection being easier. After all, you just type/send/receive/read, right? Don't have to go anywhere. Don't have to "doll up".
But it's funny how hard the easy way can be.
I recently came to see blogging as not too different from my past phone calling, where "no one is reading/replying" equals "no one is calling". And in a way, it's worse online, because whereas calling cessation created a clean break with others, online I can still see others seemingly getting along/close all the time, so "what about me?!?". But it turns out that's generally because those seemingly winning the game are calculating in advance what others want to hear, and delivering that. But that's hardly "being oneself", now, is it?
(Come to think of it, doing such is a "dolling up" of sorts....)
I keep coming back to (3). And there are documented "ways" to get there.
The latest I was reading spoke to how we give circumstances power by first giving thoughts regarding them attention, and then belief. That makes them seem real, and we become imprisoned therein.
The aforementioned butterflies (and winds...) are, in fact, stray thoughts magically appearing, flitting this way and that.
Put down the butterfly net of attention. If that seems ineffective/impossible, "look, but don't touch", where "touch" is the equivalent of "believe". Cultivate (via "practice makes perfect") a state of "Oh, wow, look at these thoughts flitting around! Good thing I don't *have* to attend to and/or believe in any of them! In fact, what a really fun show so long as I don't give them more power/reality (via attention/belief) than they deserve!"
Again... and again... and again... 'til that point of view becomes the habit, the reality. Repetition of thought leadeth unto seeming reality.
Most importantly, look long and hard and without preconceived notion at what's looking, from whence the attention/belief seemingly arises. See it. Once you do, you can't unsee it. Resting therein works so long as you, well, truly rest therein - in contrast to merely thinking you're resting therein, 'cuz that's just more spastic mind/thought flit....
tffb
Inuqiry, yes, I landed on roughly the same 3 beliefs (to put it that way):
1) "it's better to be lucky than good" (I put heavy-handed stock in this, and glad to hear the phrase again, as it puts me in a good mindset. Also the "motto" for the movie Matchpoint by Woody Allen, which was a go-to for me in similar years of solo-yet-coming-around-to-colleague reform(s) in life)
2) try, try again (at establishing relationships) Yes, of course (I mean, is there ever such a staunch, solo, caveman isolationist that *doesn't* have the primordial instinct to *bond* if/when the opportunity arises?
3) transcend the need for relationships (yes, 100% with this in many ways, and for this method, it's an "to each their own" way of things.
I was brought up by myself, no real guidance from parents, older siblings ignored me, and I them. But, I was a very socially active (almost sociopathic) friend to neighbors in the neighborhood, and there were many my age to socialize with. I can be, and am, GOOD at talking, joking, socializing, being pleasant to be around. Really very casual. But longterm comfort around others, and them me, are generally required. Transcending the NEED for relationships, or just not caring about "deep" bonds definitely serves me well. Also, I prefer my alone time and independence above all else. So +1 to not NEEDING people around in order to have happiness. In fact, true calm and peace within me happens when I am (mostly) alone for prolonged periods of time. So, yea.
Now, as in Right Now (and a decision I made the other day) I am more or less getting/going to an offline/analog approach to life. If it can't yield a biological interaction/response, just forgo any type of desire for it. A funny joke to laugh with someone about? Ok, that's worth "going for". But online things that are terrific conversation, stimulating chats, that is a thing to REALLY LIKE and to ENJOY but rarely boils down to a NEED in and of itself. So, I have things boiled down to a simple method - just use the phone when needed (rarely), keep online things (shopping, browsing) utilitarian: (confirming a prescription, the status of a package being shipped, ordering "life things" online), and the laptop likewise, though the *always possible* convo in IRC in the CLI as well as checking e-mail/Midnight posts (really, IRC is always going on the laptop, why else use my laptop? lol!). The larger laptop is basically just one big television dongle - a gaming laptop connected to the Vizio to browse the video files and almost nothing else. In fact, in Airplane Mode, so no "onlining" there. A Field Notes notebook for the reminders and appts, etc., and in life, daily, just Clubhouse, work, cook, smoke/chat with friends, keep up with keeping up. Fairly decent.
Upward, onward, and may we all do our best :)
inquiry
My hats off to your resilience.
Said another way: I pity the bear fool! (mild movie reference)
tffb
"you say *Mr* T and I look around for my dad" ;)
inquiry
Also, Matchpoint: Woody and Scarlett in more than one sense.
tffb
Scarlett was top of pops back then. That was the first flick Woody did sans NYC back when, as filming became unaffordable (even for big studios as I hear - all that is seen of the Big Apple these days are sets).
As for the movie, classic, overly-British, each scene filmed in one take, Rhys Meyers has one of the best performances of any actor when he does "the thing", and is one of my favorite movies of all time.