Midnight Pub

Writing and the Art of Lonliness ^¥^

~wolfinthewoods

i've heard it said that

good writers

tend to be alone

hopefully that's true

as i

inadvertantly

find myself

completely

alone

isolated

cut off

for most days from most intimate interactions

sure there's the occasional banter with strangers

BUT

no real connections with people i know

and care about

so i write

and try and send messages out to the ether

make some sort of invisible connection

accross phone and fiber optic lines

type into the void

and maybe feel

as if i am not the void

but damn

it does get lonely

i went from a flurry of social activity years ago

to being the bearded hermit up the mountainside

some was self-imposed

after she died i didn't want to be around anyone

but now i crave the social interaction

and i'm in a place where i know very few people

and mired in obligations that make it hard to

it's tough

what with the dui requirements of doing twice

a day breathalizer tests

it's been grueling to go it alone

i AM hopeful though

i just can't wait to get back to a place where

i can have fellowship with others and participate in a larger community

not feel so damn adrift and alone

i know it's coming

but, for now,

at least i'm returning to writing everyday

and seriously getting back

into wanting to write for a living

so...

there's always a silver-lining

you just have to find it

AND

keep howling

gemini://wolfinthewoods.pollux.casa/

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tffb

+1 (irony) for the loneliness in writing thing. I am alone a lot, but I DO choose to be alone in my apartment, not have a room mate, partner, or even dog, as other living things in my residence drives me literally insane. I avoided living with partners and (re)adopting a dog for this reason. I won't even care for an herb garden (though would care for some herb) ;)

I volunteer at clubhouse, cooking lunch and breakfast on days they have it, and it's socially satisfying, but when I am at home I am most at peace, and can just let my thoughts flow and muster until I have been at it too long and need to interrupt the inner monologue.

I am lucky for this, for clubhouse, as I was 100% (unavoidably) alone in STL. I had a couple friends to chat with a couple times a week, but that meant drinking, as they were uncomfortable hanging with other who WEREN'T drinking, as they both drank daily. I no longer drink, and I am glad for that.

The writing happens for my own longterm pleasure/requirement. I've done this (wrote a lot, daily) since age 8, and nary took a year or two away at times in my life. 2023 saw almost no writing from me, or early 2024. The loneliness is temporary and voluntary these days, and I am ok with both (company and loneliness) though I consider the latter solitude now, as I effectively don't NEED/WANT people around when I don't have people around. Hell, I keep my phone on Do Not Disturb and don't even reply to some e-mails on purpose, just to avoid the hassle. And also to avoid emotional burden. I need/want total quiet and darkness and calm in my home as much as possible. Unless I turn on a song or a video, I need not hear anything other than a fan, AC unit or crickets.

so it is..

wolfinthewoods

yeah, i have a few social outlets

mostly socialist groups in town

and aa

(although i'm not a 12 step believer, just

a fan of supporting and getting support from

others in the same boat)

i do have a little terrier that's my best friend

he's basically my son, her and i never had kids

but we had him and he keeps me sane

in my life i have tended towards a more

casual misanthrophy

i usually keep people at arms distance

just because so many people can be

volatile and have irrational attitudes

that really are hard for me to bite my tongue around

i suppose what i really miss is mostly that

close intimacy with a partner

our hearts were so intertwined that now that

she's gone, it's hard to feel the beat of my own

silence is sarcosanct for me

i'm actually planning on moving to a small town

nearby, even smaller than where i am

it's nice and quiet and only has one store

only 15min from here so it wont be a hassle

to get supplies

but that's probably a 4-6 month plan

need to get out of the tent first

especially before winter

tffb

some in a similar situation here in Farmington, MO. People come/go from Clubhouse daily, some in tents in the nearby woods (Mark Twain Forest, Shawnee Natl Forest) as it is essentially legal to camp there. They do laundry and get access to other utilities at clubhouse, as well as job training or just a place to do laundry, et al.

If it weren't for a/the clubhouse environment, I would not speak to a single person in this life. I left my siblings and surviving parent up North, as their narcissism and disregard for others doesnt jive with me. STL is full of filthy air and no volunteer opportunities unless I wanted to go to/from Independence Center (I did for a summer) deep into the city. Here, I am a mile from the clubhouse. Walking there and back is like a nature hike. As hundreds of miles of protected forest surround the town. Cleanest air ever.

Now home (as in right now) from a busy day of doing a large lunch there, and other cleanup tasks. Back to quiet and serenity. Smokes with coffee and dark cavernous dwellings :)

wolfinthewoods

yeah, i was doing essentially that for a second

before the dui i got a 'discover pass' which

allows you to camp at certain

state maintained locations for free

i have a membership so i'd go to the

ymca for showers

only social interaction has been from the AA

groups, which i loathe the 12 step rhetoric

and method, but believe in supporting other

people in recovery so i go still

(well, that, and to look good for the court)

a big blessing here too is the incredible

natural geography we have,

i'm literally twenty min from the gorgeous

national park

we're right on the bay, with the mountains as

a backdrop not even a half hour to the south

my grandpa called it 'god's country'

and he wasn't wrong

inquiry

> so i write

I'm glad you do.

> type into the void

Funny you should say that, because just this morning I learned of this "place":

https://void.si3t.ch/

I even wrote a quicky script literally named 'void' containing this:

elinks https://void.si3t.ch/

to jump there quickly. It'll likely be just yet another online disappointment, but, you know, try, try again....

> and maybe feel
>
> as if i am not the void
>
> but damn
>
> it does get lonely

Individuality is the loneliness knob set to 11...000000.

> it's been grueling to go it alone
>
> i AM hopeful though
>
> i just can't wait to get back to a place where
>
> i can have fellowship with others and participate in a
> larger community
>
> not feel so damn adrift and alone

Unfortunately, the flip side of loneliness is rife with other kinds of trouble. So from my point of view, the solution is a deeper dive. But I think the details vary depending on the details of one's "individuality concept", so to speak - aka who/what you think you are.

But a lot of others have recorded their journey's, so I think it's just a matter of trying them until one feels/fits "just right".

wolfinthewoods

>I'm glad you do.

thanks, it's nice to know someone else but me gets some sort of enjoyment out of it

https://void.si3t.ch/

oh my, that is wonderful (and strangely timely)

thanks for the link

>Individuality is the loneliness knob set to 11...000000.

aye, i'm trying to leave my ego behind, but there is still a piece of me that resists not asserting my individualism

>Unfortunately, the flip side of loneliness is rife with other kinds of trouble. So from my point of view, the solution is a deeper dive

i can agree with that,

a lot of times my be alone feels liberating,

i do try to make peace with it and often do,

there are just a lot of times where i'd like a good convo with somebody like-minded

(hard to find though)

inquiry

> there are just a lot of times where i'd like a good convo
> with somebody like-minded
>
> (hard to find though)

Impossible. Searching is the mathematical inverse of finding. Said another way, so long as you're searching, you're not finding.

Look at looking.

wolfinthewoods

and so i must