It's strange to be writing a series on my lack of emotional empathy. For so long it was my dearest held secret, and now I'm breaking it down into component parts for strangers on the internet. The first part is already up. The second has undergone a few edits and is nearly ready to be posted. I have at least two more parts to go, and maybe more, depending on where the writing takes me. But right now I'm sitting on 1500 words explaining how I navigate my life without emotional empathy.
My primary impetus was frustration. Trying to engage with the internet while most twitter battles end with accusing someone of having no empathy is infuriating. I see a piece of my diagnosis half a dozen times a day, regardless of how vigilantly I try to guard my timelines. I wanted to show people what living without emotional empathy is like on a day to day basis. I wrote three drafts that vented that frustration and was dissatisfied with all of them.
I finally spent time sitting with that feeling and found that what I really felt was hurt. It hurt to constantly be told that I'm a monster, that I'm out to hurt people, that I'm incapable of the compassion I try to extend every day. It hurt to be compared to serial killers and grifters by people who would then go on to talk about what great allies they are of the mental health community.
Venting my frustration was never going to reach anyone. I have hope that talking about how painful the language around empathy is might. The fact is, most people who don't have emotional empathy are survivors of childhood abuse. And yes, a small minority of us get a slew of headlines for doing horrible things. But the rest of us? We're just trying to figure out how to understand the people around us and form relationships in which we're stable and loving partners and friends.
And honestly, once I reached a point that I could use cognitive empathy, once I could run that equation in my head when I wasn't sure how to respond to an emotional outburst, once I could map and track the way people expressed their emotions verses their actual behavior, I found that my lack of emotional empathy wasn't the profound lack that I'd once thought. My brain just works a bit differently when it comes to understanding and processing emotions. That's not such a terrible thing now that I've learned to cope with it.
I want so desperately to show people what that process looks like, to show them that the way they talk about empathy is actively harmful to survivors and not the sick burn in their internet feuds they think it is.
I don't know if I'll be successful, but I do know that not trying feels like cowardice.
My youngest daughter suffers from the same thing. She has days where she not only lacks empathy, but basically any feelings at all. It has taken years but I think our family has finally adapted and learned how to react with care even when she blindly lashes out about how everyone around her is so emotional when something bad happens in the news etc.
I definitely spent a lot of time in her shoes. It took a long time for me to be able to suss out how my words might impact others, and why someone might be reacting how they are. But it does get better. It takes patience and lots of practice but it's definitely doable if she's willing to put in the work.
And also good on you for responding with care and love. That is so hard to do, but god it matters and helps so much. You're an incredible person and parent for choosing that path.
You've touched on something here that I've read/encountered before, about the limits and overvaluing of empathy in society. It could be argued that instead of lacking something, you are in fact in possession of a great deal of emotional stability. You may not be behind the game but ahead of it, if you can use this to your 'advantage'.
What you have relayed I can relate to, but I don't know if empathy is the right barometer in my case. I simply have what I call an allergy to other peoples drama :-)
You've hit the nail exactly on the head. A large chunk of the piece going up on Wednesday is breaking down exactly how not having emotional empathy is and asset a lot of the time.
And yeah, it was tough to navigate relationships for a good long while. But now that I have some tools I really struggle to want my brain to work in the usual way.