Midnight Pub

non-fatherhood

~tffb

Hey, ~bartender. A cup of Joe or a green tea would be nice, if I may?

First, this post was inspo'd by the recent (good, genuine) post by ~orchard, and I am proud of you, happy for your future and the possibilities therein :)

But the issue OF fatherhood just happened to be on my mind this AM. Then I see the post and think: "yea, I'll write about it".

I am not a father. I'm 39 years old and I had a dog once, severely disliked dog ownership (the dog was ok, though), and in terms of "life responsibilities", I don't even have a driver's license. Never did.

But in regards to my late-father, I just got his ashes + a memoriam piece from his funeral, and a photo of us back from my sister "C" this AM, which she had for reasons.

And seeing the items + thinking in gentle passing usually a few times a week of: "man, glad I didn't have kids", and then the ~orchard entry, I (re)think to myself: "yea, I'm glad I DON'T have kids".

I just couldn't. In any way. Physically I *can* have a kid (or kids), but the lifestyle and responsibility would crush me. I was barely raised by MY parents, and was left to be on my own accord from a very young age, like many a 1980s/90s reckless youth, who usually end up "ending" before their life expectancy due to wild environments, weird "life" situations, etc

So, if I (say accidentally) had a kid, I would A) do anything in the world to be with him/her and put my best foot forward every step of the way, and B) have to figure out everything it (parenting) was, and had to offer, as a trial by fire learning experience of "how to bond", "how to make friends", etc.

I spend little to no time thinking of these (hypotheticals) because I never had a "good" (meaning sincere) personal relationship with a woman, and always had the best chemistry and fun with a guy (because bi).

But, unlike the days of my 20's I do not "shit" on other people's joy/happiness. I do not feel "elite" that I am without a child, nor do I feel a moment of envy towards anyone with.

Every deserves what makes them happy in life :)

So, with the concoction of either tea or coffee being served barside now, I shall go back to the ole bloggo and write some stuff there.

later!


orchard

That is a valid decision. I think the decision ( or the wish) of parenthood entirely depends upon the kind of parenting the said person has been through. For me, I guess I would like to be there for someone same way my dad did.

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tffb

I hear that, and that is how it always should be :)

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inquiry

Wish I hadn't. Had no idea what I was doing, and wasn't with someone who could have helped/challenged me in a direction that might have ended well.

Instead, there's likely permanent disassociation, and given what I know (or is it believe?) about how stories develop unassisted by those closest to ground zero of what inspired them, I can't imagine the possibility of getting "back on track".

It's just over. And it's sad because I think I have the skills to communicate with sufficient nuance. But I've no faith in others willingness - let alone ableness - to dive deeply into what others actually mean, i.e. beyond one's own meanings/interpretations/biases.

And, of course, that lack of faith would likely doom any possibilities even if said willingness/ableness were present at the other end of the waxed string whose wax has mostly melted.

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contrarian

My father was pretty much the opposite of ~orchard's father. Everything was behind schedule and over budget. I know I will not reproduce. As I grow older, I cannot help but understand more and more why people have kids in the first place however.

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tffb

I sort of see it (having kids) as sort of a "immortality project", as one person I know put it. Or, a type of living legacy. I mean there *are* other reasons to have kids, but I never much liked kids or *being* a kid back in the day, really. I always wanted to be older, and when I was around 24 or 25, I sort of breathed a sigh of relief like: "damn, I am glad I survived all that!" A lot of tumultuous times and struggle in my younger years, and in regards to economic status, that is still basically the case now, and I wouldn't put that on a life that didn't ask to be brought into this world.

It's a better way for me, though. To be w/o kid and just "do whatever" with my life/time. A lot of ambiguity and indifference towards many things I would otherwise have to concern myself with. So, it works out in the end :)

~bartender, another instant coffee and a beverage for those present, as well. May you all have a nice night :):)

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contrarian

It's an ego trip and an entirely selfish thing. Few people manage to be survived by their works. Having an affinity for something doesn't mean you're good at it. Sometimes people get lucky, and things work out for the better. If people only got what they deserved the world would be a terribly boring place.

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tffb

Almost entirely agree but also sorta disagree - I'm just not sure which parts, lol! ;)

Hope you're doing good ~contrarian :D

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starbreaker

Barkeep, I could use a White Lady over here. And a saucer of cream for Smudge if you've got any.

I'm 44, and I haven't had children. Just cats, and recently a dog. It's not that I didn't want to have kids; if I was determined to not have kids I would have been more consistent about wearing condoms.

Instead, my wife kinda wanted kids, and I was OK with it if it happened. We certainly had fun trying, but it just never worked out. Probably a good thing, to be honest.

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tffb

hey ~starbreaker, I think when I was 19/20 I was "open" to the idea of having kids, because I was a gung-ho traditionalist who was in the military, and if I found someone who I fell for, I would have been a-ok with having a kid with them. The military was brief, that line of thinking was even *more* brief, and I didn't "go for" the idea of having a kid for very long after that. It was going to be a "just the thing you do" type of situation, which some find themselves in, and then go 100 steps into it, find unhappiness, and sort of wish they had applied their own thought all along.

Anyway, I am glad things worked out as they did, and as they continue to :)

Stay well

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